It is hard to see, when you are in the fug of a depressive state, that things were better only a few weeks ago, and will be better probably in a few week’s time. It is hard to imagine that 2 months ago, I was on such a high due to moving into my new house (which I still love and am so grateful for). Such a high that I was convinced that it was time to start reducing my medication for bipolar/depression.
I’ve reduced it by 50mg in two goes. One was about 4 weeks ago and the other was a week ago last Friday. I’ve now decided that this is more than just a couple of days of feeling down. And that now I need to halt the medication reductions until I’m back on a more even keel.
I’ve felt so low recently. So alone. And I’ve not known where to go, or who to talk to. Anyone who has been depressed, or has lost a friend due to their mental health (or even other reasons), will be aware of feeling like a burden. You desperately want to talk to people to feel better, but are scared that that person that you choose to confide in with breathe a sigh of irritation and think “here we go again” or “she really does think it’s all about her, doesn’t she”. So rather than talk to people, I’ve withdrawn into myself. I’ve got myself engrossed in a box-set (reruns of Buffy has been my latest thing – it seems to have been the only thing that made me feel a smatter of happiness – particularly watching the musical episode last night). But then I’m aware that all I’m doing is watching TV. Which surely isn’t going to help my mental health any. I’ve felt like some friends have withdrawn from me. The truth is probably that they are busy with their own lives and their own problems, their own partners. And I’m too bogged down in my own stuff to see that sometimes. But whatever the truth of the matter, I’ve found myself feeling left behind, unworthy of the support that I crave so much.
On Wednesday night, I lay in bed crying until my eyes hurt (and were all puffy the next day). I couldn’t get out of my head how alone I feel and how I’ve been on my own for nearly 3 years, and that made me think about all the hurt and the feelings I felt back when I became single. I wondered if I’ll be on my own forever.
I suppose it is up to me to sort out all these negative feelings. I have tried to get active and on Friday I went for a half hour walk and did feel better in myself after that. I will try to do this every day (maybe not a full half hour) after I’ve dropped the kids off. I’m going to try to get back into singing. I had a party last weekend and my friend brought her boyfriend who brought his guitar and we had a little bit of a jam and it was so much fun. We’ve discussed getting together and putting together a few songs so we can do a few open mic nights. This makes me feel a bit brighter. It will be good for me.
I’ve just got to keep soldiering on. Keep writing, keep posting on Facebook (although when you post something saying how desperate you feel and you only get 2 replies, it hurts and makes you wonder if you should stop, as do people see it as attention seeking…. which I suppose it is in a way but surely when you feel so low you don’t know where to turn, why shouldn’t you demand a bit of attention – or rather support – from your friends).
This won’t last forever and soon I’ll feel better. I hope. It’s hard to see that when you’re in the middle of it.