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The thing about rock bottom is that you have to come up, don’t you?
Last week was awful. Saturday was the day of my ex-husband’s wedding. I thought, naively, that after the day was over, I would go back to normal and start to feel better about everything, but I was totally wrong. I went to see the doctor today and I just cried and cried. Told her of the thoughts I’d been having – that I just wanted it all to stop. I don’t want to feel like this anymore.
I know I had a down period after our divorce came through but this has been just as bad and, if anything, worse. I’ve just felt floored by the emotions that have been going through me. It hurts that people were there that were at our wedding, but I understand it. It hurts that a friend who no longer speaks to me was there (but again, I understand that she would be there, but it rubs salt into an already open wound because I regret the loss of her friendship and don’t really know what I did to deserve this). I won’t go on about that though as I need to get over it. I need to get over it all but right now I’m not exactly sure how to do that.
People have been amazing. I’ve had support from so many different people. My friends have been great, my family have been great and I’ve had wonderful support from a singles group that I’m involved in. There are such lovely people out there and I need to remember that I am loved.
But then I go back to that dark place where I feel the total loss of my family (as I knew it), the loss of a partnership (albeit one that turned out to be broken), feeling completely alone and in darkness and flailing around not knowing which way to turn. I break into tears at the drop of a hat. I’ve had moments (just moments) when I’ve wondered what is the point of it all. I don’t want to be alone but I don’t want to be with someone just for the sake of it. There is so much that I want out of life but I don’t know how to go get it. I have to move on, stop looking backwards, but I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know how to retrain my brain to start looking on the positive side of things. I don’t know how to come out of this. I know it is probably just time. Step by baby step. Keep on going. Keep on moving. Keep on looking after this kids. Give them hugs. Love them, read to them, little by little I’ll feel better. In a way things are harder when I have the kids (logistically). But in another way it makes me feel needed. Reading to them (we’re reading The Witches – which my mum read to me and my sister once) is a joy that I wouldn’t give up for the world. In my darkest hours I wouldn’t leave them for anything. I just need to look at their faces (in photos when they aren’t with me) or in person when they are, to know that I have a purpose. I am their mum and that will never change.
They are my reason for carrying on when everything else feels dark and despondent. I just need to get through this, and come out the other side.