I don’t feel like I have a huge amount to say. I’m just so tired by everything. But there are some things that are moving along. My flat is nearly ready to complete – the management pack has been received by my solicitors and enquiries have been sent out. Once we have those back we’ll be ready to set a date for exchange I think. However, this all depends on how things are going with Ben’s mortgage offer and the transfer of equity on the house. That is coming along too. The paperwork should be done Monday and sent out for him to sign, then it needs to be sent back, received and then sent back to me to sign and send back. Silly that we can’t just sign at the same time but I guess there is a conflict of interest somehow. So once that is done, Ben’s mortgage can be completed – I need to move out of the house either before that or on the day. I will be staying at my parents house then until the completion of my own flat. I hope it won’t be too long as I don’t relish weeks and weeks of sleeping in a strange bed, and of feeling in between homes. But it is just something that has to be done. I’m past the point of being upset about it. I just want to get on with it. At least then we will only be a few steps away from me moving into my flat.
Today was quiet at work so I spent a bit of time window shopping on Ikea’s website. Deciding what I might need and basically mentally kitting my place out. I am excited about moving, starting again, being on my own, but at the same time I’m scared. I’ve never lived on my own before. I moved straight from my parents house into a flat with Ben all those years ago. 1996 I think it was. And have been with him ever since. It will be weird living on my own. Although not as weird as it is living in my current situation.
I just hope that when it finally happens, the children will be okay with it. Its going to be strange for all of us, there is no denying that. But hopefully the fact that we are all remaining friends and neither of us is leaving with hateful feelings – I do sometimes feel hurt but I won’t pass those feelings onto the children. And I won’t let those feelings fester into resentment. There is no point.
I love Ben. I may not be in love with him but he has been my best friend for over half my lifetime and I don’t want to lose that friendship. In fact, I want it to grow now that we don’t have to worry about holding onto a failing marriage. Hopefully our trip to the US – Route 66 Road Trip that has been planned for over a year – will give us a chance to focus on just being parents and friends. I will try to, no I WILL, put my feelings of hurt and abandonment to one side and just enjoy an amazing holiday with my wonderful family.
Funny. I said I didn’t have much to say, didn’t I?!