I’m just back from an evening in Wetherspoons with Ben.
I had a bit of a shit afternoon. Something triggered bad feelings (I can’t go into details here) and I spent the latter part of the afternoon in tears. Just the world of hurt that I feel sometimes came flooding back and I felt awful. I said to Ben that I felt like going out and finding some stranger to snog and possibly have sex with. I know that wouldn’t have ended well and quite possibly wouldn’t have happened because its all very well to feel like doing that but when you are actually out there, it feels like a big scary world and I wouldn’t even know where to start, who to talk to. And do I really want that? No. It would be cheap and I’d end up feeling dirty – that’s even if I could find someone willing to partake in such activity.
So he volunteered…. no, get your mind out of the gutter… he volunteered to go out to the pub with me. We had already planned to go out together to talk and be friends. But last night ended up becoming a bit of a session for him and ended up with a fox attack at 1.30am which left him in a bit of a state by all accounts (I had gone to bed and had taken my medication at around half midnight so when I was woken up by the noise of the dog barking outside and realised what had happened, I wasn’t much use – it obviously still makes me drowsy if I try to get up not long after taking it).
So we went out. I dressed in a nice dress and my brown heeled boots which I love. Not for Ben, obviously, but in case I met someone I liked. However, it seems the pickings were rather slim in Aldershot. I did meet a guy that I met on New Years Eve and we both got chatting to him. But he doesn’t want to get into a relationship right now and if I’m honest I’m not sure the spark is there either.
I know its probably way too early to be expecting to run into Mr Right – the one who knocks my socks off, who makes my heart go pitta patta, just yet. But a part of me keeps expecting or hoping it will happen. And each time I go out and I don’t meet him, I’m just a little bit gutted.
Would it even be the right time when I’m just out of such a long-term relationship? Probably not. I need to learn to be on my own. To stop expecting love to come and walk into my life again. But when it does happen, I want the whole package. Love, romance… I want to feel it in my knees!! Is that so wrong? I want to be besotted. I want to want to be with that person every hour of every day.
For now, I’m going to sleep. Hopefully, I’ll have some chick-lit-esque dreams. Goodnight.