Someone recently commented on a post to say that I’m grieving. I think they are right. I was ok yesterday. Then this morning was a bit of a weird one. I tried to get into work but the traffic was so bad I turned around and ended up working from home. But something was hovering over me all day. It felt like a dark cloud just behind my back, so I couldn’t see it but could feel it was there.
My gym session with my personal trainer was a welcome distraction this evening, but afterwards my lungs were struggling (because I smoke too much) and I felt pretty rubbish – coughing a lot. Yes, I know I need to give up. Not just yet though. I may cut down. Anyway, when I settled down I started to feel more and more sad. Then Ben mentioned something about some pens we bought in Venice (on a surprise valentines trip he took me on once) and I curled in a ball and started crying. Then later, while Ben was mopping the kitchen floor, I started feeling sadder and sadder. and burst into tears. My mind just kept flitting over all the things we’ve done together. All the history. That trip to venice where we met up with some younger swedish guys who were really lovely and ended up visiting us in England. The trip to Prague which was also a surprise. Ben had arranged for Bella to look after the kids for the weekend and whisked me away. The trip itself wasn’t without its problems. Another story perhaps. The kids pregnancies and births. Holidays. Just so much history and so much time spent together. And now its all over. Well, except it isn’t as we’re off to the US together. As friends obviously.
I guess I’m okay with being friends. I’m just worried that once I’m out things might change and he will want to distance himself from me and not be as helpful as he says he’ll be. Its more that our “marriage” is over. All that history, done. End of an era. A big while line in the road which I’m having to cross. The only problem is I can’t see what is on the other side of that line when I cross it. I’m fucking terrified.
I’m also still feeling hurt and betrayed and all that stuff. I’m trying to just let it come. Let the feelings come. Let them out. Not take them out on anyone but just let it flow. Maybe there will only be so much of it before it starts to get better again. Maybe I’ll come out of the other side stronger. I hope so. For now I’ll just be quietly crying in my bedroom.