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I’m having a crisis of confidence as I am wont to do!
I don’t know exactly how to put it into words. I think I am slightly depressed (particularly since coming back from holiday and back to work/real life with a thud).
Even now, with the keyboard in front of me, I feel powerless to get things off my mind. I look at other bloggers and compare them to me. The wonderful You Baby Me Mummy recently blogged about how, to her, blogging is a fulltime job around looking after her baby. I am in awe of how much time she spends commenting and reading other people’s blogs. I am severely lacking in that department. Mainly because my job does not allow me to be obviously online reading blogs, even if I have the time – my desk is overlooked and I have to be careful. And I have had so many occassions where I tried to comment on a blog via my phone but it didn’t work and I lost the comment so I don’t bother anymore. I feel sorely inadequate. Half the time I don’t even write about things that are happening with me because it has begun to feel like hard work. I love it when I’m doing it but much like with anything else that requires work, I postpone and make it seem in my head like much more of a big deal than it actually is. Take my most recent review for instance. I had been putting it off for days since getting back off holiday. I already had the pictures I needed but in my head it was a huge job. In the end, when I finally got to it, it took me maybe half an hour, maybe less.
I feel like there is too much going on. Maybe I should give up on a few things. PBloggers. I love it and I want it to work but when I do put the effort in, its great but then I have a few weeks or months where I just don’t have the time or energy and it makes me feel like a failure. And then I compare myself to all the other bloggers networks out there – the ones that actually do round-ups of posts and send out email newsletters and the like and I feel like a joke. Then there was MHMonday which is going well but I don’t know why I started it. Well, I do but there have been some people commenting on that saying things like “Do you mean Mental Health or mental illness cos we all have mental health” and other things which to me are kind of irrelevant. Someone else told me they didn’t like the picture. They’d never attended the chat before and the first thing they came out with was to tell me that they had a problem with the picture I’d used. At least now I’m back from Turkey I can forget about learning Turkish again for a few months at least. That is one thing that I don’t have to add to my “burden” list. Terrible way of thinking about things, I know. Blogging is something I should enjoy. But why do I feel like I’m constantly failing?
I am also having to admit to myself that I am a shopaholic. Its not a joke. I really am. I will have to do a proper post about that but in the meantime I will just say that its hard admitting that you have a problem. My hubby has just taken out a loan for me to clear my overdraft (again – this has happened before) and I feel a failure in that respect and I feel like I’ve let him down. I should be putting money aside for our future or for our USA Road Trip in March next year. Not frittering it away on Livescribe Wifi Pens or make up or new clothes that I didn’t really need.
I don’t really know how to stop feeling like this. Feeling like a failure. Like I’m letting everyone down.