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So after all that self-pumping up, telling myself that I could do it, that I was worth it, that they would want me, it was all a waste of time. They didn’t want me. I could almost tell right from the first moment that it wasn’t going to go well. There was no personal connection. Maybe they already found someone and didn’t want to invest in me, or maybe they just didn’t like the look of me. Or maybe that’s just my low self-esteem talking. The interview was one of those “competency based” ones. They didn’t start off nicely (like they do in some interviews) by telling me all about the company and about the team. They did briefly cover what the team was doing but then they jumped straight into “can you give us an example of when you did this”, “can you tell us when you’ve done BLANK” and the like. It was like that pretty much all the way through. While I felt (before I went in) like I had prepared a fair amount – I had gone on their website, jotted down some notes, printed off 3 copies of my CV, researched any recent mentions of the company in the news, even looked up the interviewer on LinkedIn, but none of that mattered because some of their questions stumped me and I had to admit (to them and to myself) that my experience isn’t really what they were looking for. The woman interviewing me (head of Digital something) told me that I was not what we were looking for and I managed to keep it together just about until I got out of the door but by the time I was in my car I was in floods of tears and haven’t really stopped since I got back.
I feel gutted. That they don’t want me. That they were able to tell so quickly that they didn’t want me. That I don’t even have a small hope of handing in my notice for my current job – not for this job anyway. That my suspicions of myself were well-founded. I’m AM not good enough. I don’t have enough experience.
Near the end of the interview she asked me what my 2 strengths and 2 weaknesses are. I said that I’m super organised (everyone likes that one) and I am very determined. For weaknesses I said that my confidence can sometimes get the better of me – hence nerves today – she outright said that I should never say that. Well, excuse me for being honest. I thought the best way to get the right job for you was to BE YOURSELF. To get to know the person. Not to test their reaction to a pre-rehearsed set of questions.
Maybe its best I didn’t get that job. Driving home, after I pulled into the golf course car park that the company was based next to, to try to call the agency but I couldn’t because I was crying too much, I was considering driving into a tree, or driving to the coast somewhere and not telling anyone where I was.
I was thinking about giving up this whole so-called career that I hate. I feel like I’m a found peg trying to be fitted into a square hole.
According to my husband I need to get a grip. I shouldn’t be taking it so personally. I should get on and do my qualification (that I already did but was disqualified due to the use of a headset which I needed for the exam software to work), then do the next level of the qualification to become a project manager that I’m not even sure I’m capable of doing, let alone doing the few jobs I’d need to get and do for a few years before I can get to that point. Its all so hard. I don’t want to do it! I hate all of it!
I just want to ….. not die. I don’t want to die. But I want to curl up in a ball and cry. I might just do that. I’m actually crying as I type this, but not curled up in a ball as I’d not be able to type then!
Signing off now. That’s all from me. Going to find an alcoholic drink and a cigarette type thing.