I got myself into a bit of a state last night/this morning over something which, in hindsight was petty and silly, but because it happened right as I was getting ready to go to bed, really got to me. But it made me question everything about the way that I live my life.
I’m working from home today and I feel absolutely shattered. I’m not all that busy so I could be whizzing round catching up on the housework, and while I have done a bit, I’ve not done as much as I could. I could also be reading my Prince 2 training stuff. I had to take one of my emergency pills this morning to calm myself down and now, while I feel calm, I also feel like I’ve been ripped to shreds.
Part of me just wants to give up work and stay home with my babies. I spending time with them. Particularly Lala as she is the baby (in my eyes). Part of me is ready to get rid of the new car (which I only bought because I’m commuting from Farnham to Reading everyday, the gadgets (I love my MacBook) and everything that is costly and really, deep down, unnecessary in the big scheme of things and just look after my own children myself. Am I really that bothered about a career? No, not really. If I have to work, I’d rather be doing something challenging and interesting but am I enjoying working full time and commuting and being a “Mum in a Hurry”? No. Not really. How many times, when I’ve been stressed or upset at work have I skyped Ben and begged him to let us run away to Wales or somewhere remote where we would HAVE to give up relying on Grandparents for childcare. Where it would just be me, him and the kids.
But who am I kidding? That’s never going to happen. Just working from home today, there was such a difference in pace. I wasn’t so stressed getting the kids ready (cos I didn’t have to get ready myself). Once they were gone, I let the chickens out in the garden, collected the eggs, fed them…. Made myself a cup of tea and then sat down at my laptop. I don’t MIND being at work really but its all the things that come with working full time. Its the commute. Its the over-emotional (perhaps my fault for reading things into messages or statuses sometimes that aren’t there or aren’t meant negatively) involvement of family in the childcare arrangements. Its feeling like somehow I’m not good enough or that people don’t value me enough (this again is probably down to my own insecurities rather than anything anyone else does or says at work). And I find the whole thing exhausting to be frank. It makes me want to escape.
I’ve thought about trying to go part time. I already know that working from home more often isn’t an option in my bosses eyes (she’s not keen). But again, I don’t want to do something LESS taxing and worsely paid just for the sake of less hours. The commute does suck but at least I’m well paid for it. Maybe I should just get on and do my studying. I have time today – I could do some reading and then maybe get Ben to book me on a course when I get back. Maybe I’d feel better if I felt I was on my way to a better job, the kind that is much more likely to be flexible about working from home/flexible hours etc.
Will leave it there as I’m drained. Must get on and do something rather than just moping around and feeling sorry for myself!