I think I have the new year blues.
The urgency and the determination to become better, more productive, more organised, fitter…. and about 3000 other things that I feel I should be, seem to be slipping away faster than I can say “Latte please”.
I am still trying to eat healthily. Most of the time succeeding apart from a few slip ups. But I am finding I’m snacking just as much just on “healthy” things. But I don’t feel like I’m losing any weight. If anything I feel I may even have put some on.
Our plan to not drink during the whole of January has now dissolved. While I’m not drinking excessively, or even that regularly…. (I had one drink during the week and a couple on Friday night and then half a bottle out on our night out on Saturday night. Oh and a glass of wine at the pub on sunday… maybe I do need to cut down again). My resolve to quite lattes has now become “not drinking them everyday”. Which is good as its saving me money but I still get to have a treat occassionally. I have also given up sweeteners in my coffee which was my husbands request as he says they are horrendously bad for you and also make you fat (some science stuff about making your body think you are having sugar even though you aren’t…. I shut my brain down a few words into the explanation).
I’m feeling a little down in the dumps about things. About this whole slog that is working full time. About the house being a total tip and the realisation that if we do want a nice house with us both working full time it is going to involve a cleaner at least twice a week (4 hours or so) which is going to cost a bomb.
I’m not sure I’m doing the right thing. I’m not sure my plan to become a project manager so that I can be freelance or have flexible hours and maybe work from home so I can be around for the kids more by the time Lala goes to school… I’m not sure how its all going to come about. My confidence feels a little shattered if I’m honest. My confidence about most things – about my blog (I seem to have lost my mojo a little where that is concerned), about my life choices and my choice to work full time (is it worth it?), about myself and my looks and my worthiness as a person.
I’m aching for a slower paced life. I’m not sure its possible to have a slow-paced life with small kids, but its got to be easier than this!!! I’m tired. Permanently tired.