Honestly, I am so annoyed and frustrated tonight.
I feel so low. I feel like my “status” at work has been shattered – not that I had any status as such but I did have a clean slate and then I went and had an “episode and ruinned it. I was so tired and down this evening that I got hubby to pick up the kids because I couldn’t face anymore driving. Yes, I am down and finding my emotions hard to deal with but I don’t think I’m an exceptional case. I just need a bit of fucking support.
This evening, once the kids got home, after cuddles with them both I went and found my pandora bracelet which is my Christmas present this year from hubby. I felt like I need a little something to focus on. A little pretty thing to look at and think, in true Golem style, “my precious”. He noticed me wearing it and said that he thinks I’m getting more and more like my dad – who is an alcoholic. He’s not talking about my drinking (I don’t think so anyway – I hope not as I don’t think its that bad). He’s talking about my mood swings. I can go from chipper and happy one part of the day (like this morning – I had found out I was paid £400 more than expected – probably due to being taxed at the emergency rate up until this month) to thoroughly depresses (this afternoon – offer on house turned down and hubby generally putting a downer on the whole house-buying thing by trying to remind me of all the downsides of buying this house).
Why am I like this? I’m not really sure. Things make me happy. The idea of a fresh start. Moving to a new house. I really like this one that we have made an offer on. I can see us living there. I fantasize about my new Pandora bracelet and all the beads I’m going to put on it (I know they are expensive so after I know what I will get for xmas I will go on ebay – don’t really mind if they are fakes if they are cheap but still look nice). I often think about buying a new laptop – has to be an apple one. I haven’t ever had my own laptop and the work one is so heavy and rubbish and I’m doing so much blogging now I really want to have my own laptop. But I do rather obsess about these things. Its like material things make me happy.
Is that really so abnormal? Am I really that strange? I thought tonnes of women around the world made themselves better by fantasizing over and buying shoes and things like that.
But then again I am a bit worried about me. I’m so up and down its silly. I don’t know what to do. I mean, shopping won’t really make me feel better, will it? I’m crying as I’m writing this last bit as I am realising that I have to do something. I guess I need to go back to my doctor or something.