I’ve been looking backwards too much (hence my poem Ode to Self) and being bogged down with doubts about what I’m capable of.
I just went out for a walk as its so sunny and lovely out there. And it occurred to me that this is how I want my life to be. I want to work from home: to be able to go out for walks in the middle of the day if I want, to be paid to do something I love doing, maybe even to have a little dog (I’d love a pug) and to be able to take her (already thinking I’d have a girl one) for walks in the afternoons.
The care work is fine and it has its plus sides, but its exhausting and I’ve been ill so much since starting – probably due to working with people with compromised immune systems. It’s fine for now and I’m not going to stop as I need to pay the bills, but when I’m not working, I need to be focussed on making my life the way I want it. Money isn’t important anymore. It’s useful certainly, and I don’t want to be struggling for the rest of my life, but it’s more important to me to be doing something that I enjoy and find rewarding and having a lifestyle I love.
I’m part way there. The care work is flexible enough that I can be there to drop the kids at school and pick them up after. I can make sure I’m not working when there is a school play or special assembly and as it’s casual work through an agency, I can pick and choose and no-one minds whether I accept the work – although obviously I need to be working enough to keep the money coming in.
It’s scary, to be heading into the unknown, and I’ve been plagued with doubts recently. Fear, doubt and the silly habit of looking back and looking at my ex and his new life without me…. What do I care? I don’t want him so why does it bother me that he’s moved on? I need to keep remembering this. I need to focus on me and where I’m heading. When I get bogged down by doubts and fear, I need to stop, go for a walk, remember what I’m doing this for!
I’m going to try to go out more often. Last night I went out shopping with a friend – I bought a pair of trousers I need for work and treated myself to some houmous and pitta bread as I hadn’t had dinner. This afternoon I’m going out to a singles meet up and tomorrow night I’m going out with the same friend as yesterday for some drinks in town. I have the kids for 2 weeks from Friday so I’m making the most of the rest of the week while I can. Will be good to socialise a bit after locking myself away for the past few weeks.