I’m sat at home because I’m ill. I should have been doing a shift today after I dropped the kids off but I had to ask them to get someone to cover me as I’m really not well enough. I feel bad that I’ve had to let them down and the voices in my head (not voices as in schizophrenia but as in the one in the back of the mind that everyone has) have been telling me that the agency will stop using me if I keep letting them down. But I can’t help being ill. This morning was such a struggle. I woke up feeling worse than I did yesterday morning which is saying something. And getting the kids ready was so hard. I felt like I was stuck inside my head and it was a struggle to get them to listen to me. It was such a relief to drop them at school, knowing that the rest of the day I could relax. But again I feel bad (bit of a theme in my life) that I’m not getting any studying done.
I went back to bed after I dropped the kids off and slept until 1pm. So I’m sat on the sofa watching TV and eating a cheese and pepperoni toasty – the only quick food I could think of. I tried to do a bit of tidying up but felt too tired so had to sit down again.
I was feeling quite low over the last couple of days. I worked Monday and Tuesday. Monday I got my ex to drop the kids at school so I could be at work at 8am for a 6 hour shift and Tuesday I went in straight after school drop off and did about 4 and a half hours. It doesn’t sound much but it wore me out and I ended up feeling exhausted the rest of the week.
On Tuesday I had a rather moving experience with the husband of a resident in the care home I was working in. He was feeling overwhelmed and upset. I probably shouldn’t share much about the details but lets just say that she isn’t herself anymore and he’s finding it very hard – on him, on family members, and I just sat and listened while he talked about it. It made me feel good to have been able to be there to listen. I felt like, in a small way, I was able to help. It’s one of the things I love about the job, but at the same time, it’s exhausting. I went to my parents house after work and told them about it. I almost cried relaying the story.
I’ve been feeling very alone recently. I’m either at work, or at home with the kids, and doing it all alone gets me down some of the time. There is no-one to tell you to sit down or go have a bath. No-one to cook you dinner or to do the shopping for you. Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy my own company. I like how I get to do things my own way and there is no-one to tell me how to do things. How to be with my children. How to clean my flat. But that also means there is no-one to support me when things get tough. No-one to give me a hug when things are getting on top of me. No-one except friends and friends can’t be there all the time.
Do I want to start dating again? No. Right now I can’t think of anything worse than having to get myself dressed up and go out to meet a stranger. Hope they are right for me. Hope that they like me. All that hope. All that disappointment when it doesn’t work out. All that wasted time. No. I’m not ready to start dating. I have enough on my plate as it is.
Joshua seems to be doing better at school. We are getting daily updates on how he is getting on and the last few days have been pretty good. Apart from Tuesday which was not such a great night but he had a bad night’s sleep and I think that is why he had a bad day. His referral appointment came through but it is when Ben is at Glastonbury so he is going to rearrange it so we can both be there.
I think that’s all for now. Thanks for reading.