In a previous post I wrote how I had met someone, who I shall henceforth call Pixie Hair Guy (I will elaborate more later on why I am calling him that).
It all seemed to be going well. We chatted on Whatsapp for a couple of weeks. I was very excited after meeting him. This hadn’t happened to me before – meeting someone that I liked out and about without having to troll through dating sites. I would have liked to meet up with him that week as I didn’t have the kids but he didn’t suggest a date and by the time I had plucked up the courage to ask him if he was going to ask me out, I had the kids back. I did ask in the end and he said he was waiting to be cleared to drive after an injury.
We seemed to get on really well over chat and there was a fair amount of banter – one of which was that he likes short hair cuts (pixie hair cuts). To the point of sending me constant pictures of head and shoulder shots of people with these short hair-cuts. I tried to play along with the joke but a few times I did get a bit irritated. As you can imagine, a lot of these hair models or images off Google are very beautiful women, so after a while I did start to feel inferior, and also to have a guy who is supposed to like you, constantly saying “would you go this short” or “would you try this style” doesn’t do wonders for your self-confidence. A couple of times I told him to knock it off, but come the next day he would be back at it! That probably should have been a warning.
But I was still keen. I liked him. Finally, he was cleared to drive and on the Thursday before Christmas, he came round to mine for a drink. I felt it went well. Although in hindsight I should have noticed a few things. The conversation was slightly stilted at times. Thankfully, he didn’t mention hair styles once. In fact I brought it up myself as I was surprised he’d not mentioned it. As the evening went on, I put some music on and there was a bit of kissing. It was okay except he has very thin lips and it was a bit like kissing teeth. Didn’t feel quite like kissing should feel (but call me a silly lonely girl…. it just felt good to be kissed by someone). He left at 10pm as he had to get back (45 minute drive approximately). We said goodbye and off he went. But then he rang me from the car, which I saw as a very good sign. I think at that point I was very happy and excited.
Now, I don’t know if this is a thing that most girls do, but in my head I had fast-forwarded to a couple of weeks’ down the line, a couple of months’, even a year from then. I was seeing us deciding that we were now officially seeing each other (ie boyfriend/girlfriend). The idea that I could say to people that I had a boyfriend, to me, seemed like a status that announced that I had now arrived. I wasn’t any longer the lonely cat-spinster! Does anyone else do that early on or is it just me?
Then on Boxing Day he picked me up and we went for a coffee. I had hoped our Boxing Day date would be something a little longer and more substantial than it was but on Christmas Day when I checked to confirm our arrangement, he said he had to have lunch with his parents before meeting me, which was fine. He suggested a coffee and I thought that would be fine. I hoped it would be more than the 45 minutes but it turned out that he didn’t have time to (or probably more likely, didn’t want to) spend with me.
He picked me up in the afternoon on Boxing Day and we went into Farnham. When we got the the car park, someone pulled over on their way out and offered him a parking ticket which had just 20 minutes on it. For a minute, he actually considered using this free ticket instead of spending a whole 70p on an hour’s parking. 20 minutes would have been enough time to walk to a cafe or something and then walk back. Just about. In the end, he did put an hour on and we walked to a nearby hotel (funnily enough the same hotel that I spent my wedding night in – maybe that should have been a sign to me) to have a coffee (I had a wine) in a stuffy hotel lobby (not really my scene at all).
After he dropped me back home I sent him a text saying thank you for the wine (he was at least gentlemanly enough to pay for the drinks). He replied saying that it was good to see me again. We exchanged a couple of messages and then I asked him what he was up to that night. He replied that he had a few things to do and then he might pop out to the pub. When I read this I thought: huh. I got that he had things to do but I felt he really rushed the date and could have spared me more time. He could have spent slightly longer with me and then done what he needed to do after. Then after a couple more texts backwards and forwards talking about what I was planning to do (watch a movie), I said “would have liked more time today. But I understand you have stuff to do. There is always next time – assuming you want to see me again?”. He replied “I do like you but am concerned about the distance and are (our) busy schedules”. I asked if this was his way of letting me down gently and he replied that no, he was just sharing his concerns. I replied that the distance wasn’t an issue for me. I could go to him sometimes. I also said that time wasn’t an issue for me as I have a whole week when I didn’t have the kids and when I did have them he could come to me. But I added that if he just wasn’t interested I wasn’t going to try to change his mind. He replied “It is quite a way with all the things we have going on. I guess it is an issue for me, sorry to mess you around”. I then replied “I have a feeling there is more to it than that but ok” and left it.
Feeling upset and angry, I messaged a friend who very kindly paid for me to get a taxi to hers (and back) so I could come and have some company and not be on my own when I was feeling so shitty. Thank you Emma, I love you. When I got home I tried to sleep but kept tossing and turning and eventually thought to myself “Why should he get off scott free” so I texted him at 1am:
Do you know something I appreciate more than good looks and a fit body? A bit of fucking honesty. You say you like me but the distance is too much and we have too much on our schedules. Neither of us has moved in the 3 weeks since we met so that hasn’t changed and neither has my schedule unless there is something you aren’t telling me. If you don’t like me as much as you thought you did, fine. If you think I’m fatter than when we were in a dark night club, fine. If you don’t want to date someone with small kids or without a job or someone with a mental health condition, fine, but don’t try to pass it off on some spurious reason of distance and schedules because I’m not stupid and I deserve better.
I haven’t heard back to him and I didn’t expect to.
It isn’t the fact that he clearly doesn’t like me enough to want to keep seeing me that pisses me off, although I am disappointed. It is the fact that he isn’t MAN enough to actually be honest. If you like someone (even after 3 weeks), the fact that you have a busy life and the fact that there is a 45 minute (we’re not talking 2 fucking hours here) commute to see each other, shouldn’t matter. You make it work.
I’m not going to say all men are bastards, because I know there are good ones out there. And he is probably a good one, although I think he is a bit misguided in what he thinks he wants. But guys (and girls), if you are reading this. Be honest! If you just don’t like someone or you go off them, just say so. Don’t make up pathetic excuses!
Bloody hell, that was a bit of a long post! Sorry!