If you read my last post “Feeling like I’ve hit rock bottom” , you will know that I have been off work for the last couple of weeks. My ex-husband’s marriage hit me way harder than I thought it would, but I have taken a few things away from the experience:
- I have more support than I ever imagined
- I may have not dealt with the loss of our separation when it actually happened – it was even suggested by one friend that I may have PTSD
- I am capable of going through the most severe pain/depression so bad that it actually hurts and come out the other side (may not be quite there yet but I’m getting there)
I’m not sure I’m completely through it yet but I am starting to feel better. I think by Monday I will be ready to go back to work.
I’m sat in Starbucks typing this as I felt I needed a change of scenery before I picked up the kids from school – they asked me to pick them up from school rather than going to after school club. It makes me happy that they want to spend time with me. It makes me feel needed, useful, loved. And it also feels nice to just be a mum. The last two days instead of rushing to take the kids to breakfast club or my ex’s house (he normally takes them to school a few days a week), I have been getting them ready and dropping them at school myself at the normal time. Mornings haven’t been nearly as stressful as they normally are and the kids even have a little bit of TV before school.
I have had time to process everything that has happened, to cry when I needed to cry, to talk to friends about it, to go for a walk, to chill at home and just do nothing. I feel that I am more in control of my emotions, although bedtime is still a struggle. That is when my mind starts to work overtime and think about the past, what I’ve lost, friends I can no longer count on. Hopefully that will go in time.
It’s time to start thinking about the future again. I need to stop thinking of the unknowns and start focussing on what I CAN do to make my future what I want it to be. I want to meet someone one day and be happy, but I need to stop seeing happiness as being dependent on meeting a man. I’m not quite sure how to do that. I so want to love and be loved. If I’m honest, when Ben and I first split up I thought within a year or two I would have already met someone and been in a relationship and it hasn’t happened and I don’t know why. Maybe I’m not ready. Maybe I need to heal properly before that person will appear. I know I need to start focussing on me.
I go back to work on Monday and I’m nervous because I don’t know how people will see me. I don’t know if they will understand why I needed to be off. But I’m hoping once I get through that first day, and the second, and the third, I will start to get back in the routine of it, even start to enjoy it again.
While I’ve been off I’ve let things slide – when I’ve been eating (I have often skipped lunch) its been easy, convenience food. I’ve allowed myself to spend on my debit card without thinking about whether I had the money in my account (I didn’t). I didn’t go on any big shopping sprees but I have bought food/wine if I felt I needed it. I haven’t been watching my bank account like a hawk like I normally do. So there will be some fixing that needs doing when I’m back on top of things. December/January will be very tight months. But I know I’ll do it because it is important to me not to be in debt.
So I have the kids this afternoon in about 40 minutes. Then we are going to go to the toy shop as Joshua wants some pokemon cards – I’ve promised them £2 each – I can’t really afford it but I think they deserve a treat as they have both been really good this week. Then Friday I’m doing the school run and then going for a coffee with a friend/mum from school – who has been an absolute life saver this week, texting me supportive messages and letting me know I’m not alone. I’ll be picking the kids up slightly later tomorrow as my daughter has gymnastics and I’ll be collecting them both once her class finishes. Then they are staying with me Friday night and most of Saturday as they wanted some extra Mummy time as they were with their Dad last Friday night and most of Saturday for the wedding. So I’m taking them to the cinema to watch the Trolls movie.
That’s all for now. Better go get the kids in a tick. x