So much has happened and I wondered what to put as the title of this post.
My divorce (or should I say “our divorce”) came through about a month ago and I found myself plummeting back into despair, depression and feelings of failure again. I really thought I had been through the worst of it but it seemed I had not. Those feelings came back with avengence and I found myself feeling a range of emotions possibly worse then when I realised my marriage was over. Add into that the guilt and stupidity I felt for not being over this yet, nearly a year a half since we split. I struggled at work (I love my new job and my new colleagues I found it very hard to keep a lid on my emotions and I have to say my colleagues have been amazingly supportive), I struggled at home – to keep up with the housework (yes, this has always been something I’ve not been very good at but there is a difference between not being bothered to do something because other things are more important to you and not being able to because you feel so low and I had the support of some very good friends, old and new, who helped me through by talking to me on the phone and one even came and helped me sort out the flat. I am so grateful for all the support I have had – from friends and family (my parents have been amazing, turning up, helping with the flat, bringing bags of food, putting up paintings and fixing things, as has my sister, and her husband, who we recently had a very lovely visit with). I still sometimes feel sad about the people that I’ve lost along the way. The ones who think I somehow changed for the worse through this whole affair and decided that I was no longer worth knowing, but I have been overwhelmed by the support that I’ve received off everybody else, people I didn’t even consider as close friends have really stepped up and been there for me. And that is what I’m going to hold onto.
Another big thing that has happened is that my ex-husband and his girlfriend have now officially announced their engagement. I have known for a while that this was a possibility and I was told as soon as it was decided and I was given warning of the official announcement on Facebook. But it was still a big thing and an emotional hurdle for me to get over. Even with all the forewarning it still felt like a kick to the gut. It felt like all our history, the 20 years of being with him, was being washed away, was being whitewashed. I felt like I was fading out of existence. Everything was changing. I will admit that a large part of the hurt I have been feeling is related to the fact that he is moving on and I haven’t. I feel as if that is selfish of me. I don’t want him myself and I wouldn’t go back, but I don’t want anyone else to have him? Don’t want him to be happy? But no, that isn’t true. I do want him to be happy and I want the children to be happy. It has been hard. Very hard. But I feel like I might now be through the worst of it.
I had a date on Wednesday night, which was very nice. Then on Thursday night I met a friend for impromptu cocktails in Guildford and stumbled back to my flat in time to go to bed. Very tired at work the next day, I managed to get through the day and then I was out again Friday night to see a good friend (a mutual friend of my ex’s and his wife and 2 month old baby) and I had a lovely evening chatting to them and cuddling the baby (it seems I’ve still got it as the baby slept on me almost the entire evening!). It felt really good to connect with friends who I felt I had drifted away from over the past year and a half. I stayed over so didn’t sleep in my own bed (although the bed I was in was very comfy and I did sleep well). I was up early to get home and after a shower I started tackling the flat before the kids were due to arrive and I really feel like I achieved something. Once they were here, we went shopping then I unpacked, organised, cooked, did more cleaning, cleaned up after the cooking, then after reading stories I folded washing in front of the TV until I decided to have a relaxing bath.
I haven’t had a huge amount of sleep the last few nights. Being out so much. Feeling so emotional. It’s been pretty exhausting. But while I was in the bath (complete with bubble bath, candles, face pack and finally a decent conditioner as my hair is starting to look like straw), mulling over my productive day and how I’m feeling I decided to write this because I really feel like I might be coming out the other side and I wanted to document it. It feels good to have the kids. I may feel differently by bedtime tomorrow (lol) but I hope not. I even managed to talk to the kids about Daddy’s wedding – he told them yesterday so I brought it up and managed to keep myself upbeat and composed. I asked them how they felt about it. Lala was happy. Joshua a little sad but I talked to him about his feelings. I think he feels that it means we won’t ever go back to being how we were but I gently told him that we wouldn’t be going back even if this weren’t happening and gave him lots of cuddles. I think he’ll be okay.
I feel more at peace. I’m okay. Its ok that he’s moving on. I am too. Not romantically. Not yet, but I am moving on. I’m planning for my future, a future I’m going to make for myself and the children. I still feel a little sad but I do at the same time feel positive and hopeful.