I’ve been told by several people that I’m grieving. That getting over a breakup – particularly of a relationship as long as 20 years – is a grieving process and I’ve found that very much to be true.
It makes me angry that I’m still going through all these emotions nearly a year and a half after we split up but I don’t seem to be able to control it. I honestly would not choose to feel like this.
I am not sure if I can even describe it. Its like a big gaping hole in my chest. Its the need to cry every night once the kids are in bed. Its feeling an unbelievable sense of loss. Loss of the family that we were, loss of how I thought my life would be, loss of someone to love me. I may not have been in love with him but I did love him. He wasn’t just my husband. He was my best friend. The person I had known the longest. The person I had grown up with. There is no doubting that we had grown apart and we were not happy. I’m not disputing that, this is in the long term for the best but sometimes its hard to see that as I can’t see into the future. Sometimes its only possible for me to see what I have lost. Not what I have gained.
And this feeling is not so much in my head as in my heart.
And knowing that he is moving on with his life with someone else hurts, like nothing else I’ve ever felt.