After feeling pretty low last night (I was in bed in tears from 9pm – apart from having to get up and sort out Joshua who woke up when I went to check on him and then kept getting out of bed for some reason), I am trying to keep it together and see the bright side.
It is exactly a year minus two weeks that Ben and I split up and I found myself dwelling on the down side of being alone last night. It happens occasionally. You can’t be up all the time – especially not when you suffer from depression/anxiety anyway. And a few things pushed me over the edge into sadness and depression and I ended up thinking things like “I didn’t sign up for this (being a single mum)” and “I wish I had someone to cuddle me” and even “no-one loves or wants me” (meaning a boyfriend or lover, not friends as I know I have those and they do love me).
I’m still feeling quite down today but I am trying to remain calm and see the bright side. I’m not going to make a huge list but just gonna try to give myself a little pep talk. I have some lovely friends who have been with me through thick and thin. I have a pretty good relationship with my ex. The kids are wonderful although taxing sometimes and I cope pretty well on the whole. I have a blog which is successful – I now have 3 years and 600 posts (601 with this one) under my belt.
I am constantly berating myself for not getting enough done – housework, sorting and tidying the flat, personal things like doing that training that I purchased months ago, blog reviews, guitar practice…. but I need to stop thinking like that and actually pat myself on the back for what I do achieve.
Today my head is throbbing and my eyes hurt and I have to say I’m feeling a little bit delicate, but I’m going to be kinder to myself at least for the rest of the day.