I have been thinking about writing this post for a while. Anyone that follows my blog will know that I was not the one that chose to end our 15.5 year marriage. However, I truly believe that it is probably just as hard on the person who has decided to end the relationship and people don’t generally take this into account. So I have decided to dedicate this blog post to that subject.
Every break up has two sides. It is not easy on either party. And people often side or sympathise more with the one that did not ask for the breakup. I know that my ex-husband deliberated for months (without my knowledge) about what to do, how to do it. And in the months after the breakup actually happened, he got abuse and negative comments from several friends. One person even removed both of us from Facebook because she couldn’t cope with the decision of who she should support. She has since re-added us both and has been a great support.
In order to write this post I have asked for contributions from different sources. I would like to thank them all for sending me in their contributions.
This is Ellie’s story:
I think no matter who does the breaking up both people will still feel hurt by it.
I broke up with my boyfriend of nearly 3 years in June, He decided that he needed a break and was moving out to stay with a friend. He said he didn’t want to break up and that he would still be here for me and our daughter.
I was upset and cried, but had to put on a brave face and look after my little girl after he left with all his stuff. To me him leaving had come out of nowhere but he kept saying that it was just for a little while to sort his head out, he felt like he was making us unhappy etc. He didn’t want us to be over.
The following day I ended up in hospital with what turned out to be an ectopic pregnancy, I was alone, I called, I texted and asked him to come and be with me, I didn’t want to be alone after finding out such horrible news, he didn’t. I lay alone in my hopital bed waiting to go and have an operation and I was heartbroken. It was at that point that I knew it was over, I didn’t want him back if he couldn’t be grown up enough to stand by me when I was obviously quite sick and in pain.
A few days later on the phone I told him that there was nothing left to save between us and that it was over, he wasn’t coming back. It felt like a weight had been lifted.
We probably hadn’t been working for a while, when we were together. He didn’t pull his weight, he didn’t help when he could and it felt like I was always having to ask him to do anything ( which he would moan about) It sometimes felt like I had a toddler and a teenager not a partner.
We are happier now that we are apart, He see’s our daughter a couple of times a week. It was an amicable breakup and we all still get on, it was honestly for the best.
This is Bel’s story from Journeys Are My Diary – you can also find her on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram:
I was in a relationship with my ex husband for approximately 7 years. We’d had some pretty rough patches and I’m ashamed to say we’d both had an affair at one time or another. After the birth of our first daughter, we did have a brief split, instigated my me, but after a week or so I regretted it and we worked things out. A few years later our second daughter was born but sadly things hadn’t really improved much. Though we often discussed our relationship (I was more unhappy about it than he was) things would change only briefly before going back to the same old. Eventually I decided I would be happier by myself than in a miserable relationship and though it took some effort, I ended the relationship and the marriage, asking him to move out.
We had recently moved house, from one rented property to another. We had originally discussed breaking up before the move and I would look for one place while he looked for another. However I’d had my doubts and backtracked (I think I was also worried about getting a place as I wasn’t working). Instead we got somewhere together but within a week or so I just decided to call it quits and since he did have somewhere else he could move to, I asked if he would move out.
How did I feel? It was such a mixture of feelings. At times I felt excited, mostly by the prospect of getting to make my own decisions again and a freedom of some sort. Sometimes it made me feel guilty, as our two children were only 2 and 5. Sometimes I was scared – mostly that I wouldn’t cope alone as a single parent – and sometimes I even felt doubt that I was doing the right thing – especially as there were good times, they were just few and far between.
I was worried what people would think though in honesty I didn’t really tell many people. I knew my mum supported my decision and obviously my friends did too, but I was worried what his parents would think as I still had to deal with them as grandparents. As time passed, I’m pleased to say that most people seemed to see me as strong for making the decision, rather than as someone who broke up a family.
The truth is, I know I made the right decision and I’ve been glad for it ever since. However just because you are the one making the decision, it doesn’t make it any easier. You still want to laugh and cry and scream at times. You want to feel like you’re 100% positive but its hard to be sure about anything, especially when your heart is involved. People end relationships for all sorts of reasons and sometimes its not just as simple as we don’t get on or we’re not going anywhere. I believe its possible to love someone and still know that you shouldn’t be together.
This is Samantha’s story from Coco Butter Blog – also on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Pinterest:
I was with my ex-boyfriend for over seven years – ever since we were 15. At first we were inseparable – spent every minute together and had all the same friends. In the last year of our relationship we lived together but we really began to grow apart. Although we were still close and we still loved each other, we were hardly spending any time together and I began to feel quite down. After numerous conversations with me asking for more from him, nothing changed and so I decided to break with him. I really feel like it was a bit of a mutual decision in the end as, although it was me that instigated the conversation, we both weren’t happy.
Although I knew it was for the best, I still loved and was in love with him and so it was completely devastating to not have him in my life anymore. It was the most difficult decision ever and I went back and forth in my head before voicing it out loud. I moved back to my parents’ house and literally didn’t leave the house for about a month. I would sleep, go to work, get home and get straight back into bed. My friends and family were all really understanding and nobody ever threw the “well, you broke up with him” card at me so I was lucky that everyone was so supportive.
Although I really loved my ex, I’ve learnt that you have to love yourself above anyone else and I wasn’t willing to upset myself anymore. And, it was all for the best – I’ve since met and married the love of my life and my ex has a baby so we’re both super happy and I’m sure we learnt a lot of lessons from our relationship.
Here is Lauranne’s story from 25 Castles on 25 Clouds. You can find her on Facebook and Twitter. She most recently blogged about her breakup He Stepped Up, but you can also check out these posts – de-nile-not-just-a-river-in-egypt, breaking-with-every-beat, It’s not fair, you’ve got mail, and a letter to my ex:
I started my blog after moving in with my boyfriend of 4 years thinking I would be talking about marriage, babies etc and 9 months into living with me he dumped me….
Then about 5 months ago I thought I had met another great guy and we broke up last weekend.
I suppose this time I sort of have been the one doing the dumping, although technically he sort of did it to. It’s hard to explain but he did this thing where when he was upset he would just stop contacting me for a few days and do this whole “I think we need to break up” thing but then I would talk to him, he would calm down and we would try again. Only this time I have had to say “yeah, you know what I think we are.” I can’t be in a relationship with someone like that.
I find it hard, I think we would have been great together. But we met online, and we never got the chance to really know each other… we didn’t have mutual friends and we both had really shit exes and so we had no-one who could vouch for the other person when we were worrying. I am in counselling due to other reasons, so I had someone to really analyse things and point out that he wasn’t my ex but I don’t know if he did.
I kept saying to him we needed to get to know each other… but then he was sent away and suddenly our conversations were all text and you can’t get to know someone over text especially when they are so easily taken out of context.
That’s what broke us up in the end. A text. I sent it, he thought I was having a go (I wasn’t!)
I’m mad at him, for throwing me away over something so silly. I am upset that once again the future I thought I was going to have has been taken away from me.
I kinda at the moment just feel like I am done with men and the whole dating thing. I am sick and tired of being hurt. I am sick and tired of having promises broken. I don’t know if that makes me a coward, but for the moment I am done!
I think it’s hard for both sides in any breakup. I don’t necessarily think the number of years you’ve been together means that it is any less upsetting. I was with my ex for 20 years and while it was a shock, I feel I have adapted pretty well and, yes I have my down days and do sometimes feel bitter, but we have remained civil (even friendly) and have acted like grownups and the parents that we are. Even if kids aren’t involved it can also be hurtful for both parties. Especially if you had imagined a future with this person (marriage, babies) and it has not worked out… that can be devastating.
So next time you hear that some friends of yours have broken up, do me a favour and check in on both parties – the instigator and the one that has been broken up with. Both parties will be going through a grieving process. Both need your support.