I’ve just spent the evening with my lovely friend Emma watching Doctor Who. This is one of those inevitable firsts that comes after a breakup. Ben and I always used to watch it together. And then me Ben and his now GF (who I’m not going to refer by name anymore for privacy reasons). So the idea of watching it alone filled me with sadness. Thankfully Emma and her other half also watch it and asked me if I wanted to watch it with them. Which was lovely!
I’m tired because we had a bit of a big night out last night. Me and Emma that is. We went to Guildford to a club called Thirteen. We had a few drinks (non-alcoholic for me as I was driving) and alcoholic for her. We met some lovely people, got chatting, got dancing. And then I gave a lift back to one of those guys we had been chatting to. He ended up staying the night. We chatted until 5am – he was a really nice guy. He slept in my bed, and yes, things did happen. It was nice.
I don’t regret it. Far from it. But it made me realise this is not what I’m looking for. There was no burning passion for me. I think I just wanted to be near someone. Wanted to be touched. He was good looking, well built, he was kind and considerate and it was good. I think I was lonely if I’m honest. And part of me wanted to put distance between now and the last time I slept with someone which was in April just after I moved into my flat.
I guess its nice to know that men still find me attractive. That I can ask someone if they want to come home with me and they will. And they will want me. But that isn’t enough. I need something more meaningful. I need a real connection. Love, I guess.
Who knows where or when I might find that one person. It could be next week, it could be next year. Or the year after. But the idea of being alone for years to come is too much for me. I like my space and my time to myself but I need love. I want love. In the meantime, while one night stands probably aren’t what I need, in a couple of months time, if I feel like this again and the right guy (for right then) comes along, who knows. I don’t think there is any shame in it. Its not what I’m looking for but maybe it is a means to an end sometimes.
For now though, I’m back to just me. On my own. In my little nest that is all my own. Its not a bad place to be. And I have my friends who I couldn’t do without.