I know I wrote yesterday about my disillusionment around trying to find a man and this was part of why I felt so low but it wasn’t all of it.
I can’t say what triggered it but I can talk about how I felt and the thoughts that we’re going through my head.
I felt utterly miserable and found myself wondering if anyone would really miss me if I disappeared off this earth. I wouldn’t say I was suicidal but yes, I guess I was having suicidal thoughts. I knew I wouldn’t act on them but I couldn’t help thinking along the lines of:
- No one would miss me if I wasn’t around
- Maybe people would actually be better off as I just end up hurting people
- I’m a rubbish mum I can’t cope with the kids when they are with me.
I do feel better today. Last night I posted a post on Facebook to say pretty much the same as point one above. And the responses I received really helped me to feel better. I got so much support.
So today my responses to the above questions are as follows:
- No one would miss me if I wasn’t around – yes they would miss me
- Maybe people would actually be better off as I just end up hurting people – I don’t hurt everyone. I have a lot of good friends, people who need me, people who support me and vice versa
- I’m a rubbish mum I can’t cope with the kids when they are with me. – I’m not a rubbish mum. I’ve struggled a few times over the past couple of weeks but everyone does. I just need to plan stuff to do with them as staying home in the flat doesn’t work as they just argue.
So basically I’ve given myself a bit of a talking to today and I’m feeling better as a result. I’m not saying these feelings that I was experiencing last night won’t come back but I know that they don’t last.
If you were one of the people who commented on the post on Facebook last night – thank you so much. You can’t know how much your support means to me.
Today is a new day and I’m determined to draw a line under yesterday’s events and feelings and move on.
Thank you for reading.