Since my split with Ben I have had to find my own routine, my own way of doing things on my own. It’s not always been easy. I’ve had some really great times and some really challenging times.
This evening, the kids have been pushing my buttons. They have been out of bed regularly. I’ve had Lala crying as she got something in her eye, repeated requests for water, hysterics over a burst balloon, more hysterics over a burst light bulb which I then changed (something I would previously have asked Ben to do – not asking for sympathy here… just I surprised myself by just heading to the cupboard for the spare light bulb, grabbing the mini screwdriver out of my toolkit (yes I have a toolkit and yes, it’s pink) and clambering onto the top bunk to change that damned thing), Lala crying as she was trying to do a poo (me thinks more roughage needs to be added to her diet) and it hurt, Lala crying as her bottom hurt and I couldn’t find the cream that I used just 10 minutes before when I applied it to her but now she’s done a poo she needed it again! They’ve been arguing with eachother, complaining that they can’t sleep, complaining that they’re tired. Complaining that I’ve just taken toys away – when I warned them that anymore coming out of their rooms (bar to go to the toilet) would result in them losing a toy… It’s just been endless. And last night was much the same.
It’s times like this that I remember the times when I had someone else to fall back on. Someone else to take over when it just got too much for me. But I don’t have that now. It’s just me and I generally just get on with it. But it leaves me exhausted some of the time – like now, when they are being so difficult at bedtime. I don’t want to turn back time and go back to being in an unhappy marriage. I know that they are lovely children and we have some fab times – like swimming last Friday. And this afternoon watching the Lego Movie with them, chomping on popcorn all together.
Maybe when they go back to school bedtime will get easier. Maybe I need to be stricter with them – although tonight I have been pretty strict – it just didn’t make any difference.
That was Joshua again. Just as I paused in my typing, he came out of his room saying he was scared. Scared without me. We had a cuddle and then he took himself back to bed. I’m hoping this is the last time.
It just feels like there is no “evening” because it is taken up with the children constantly coming out of their rooms or me having to go in there. I may as well just make their bedtime 9pm and let them run around doing whatever they want until they crash out exhausted. I won’t. Obviously, but I do wander sometimes.
I miss them terribly when they are not with me but in a way, a way that makes me feel horribly guilty, I look forward to the rest! Does that make me a bad person? A bad mother? Hopefully not. I’m just doing the best I can with the time I have. Trying to have fun and enjoy them. But when bedtimes go like they have tonight, its a real struggle!
* I just had to go in AGAIN and confiscate ANOTHER toy off Joshua as he was singing loudly and banging against the wall. Lala, I think, is asleep. Finally.
** Seconds after writing the above, Joshua came out of his room and said “Without Popple (the toy that I confiscated) I have the baddest feeling”. I crumbled and told him to take Popple and get back in bed!!! Arrrgggghhhhhhhhhh