I’ve been feeling so calm and positive recently, especially with everything going so well at the festival…. But something has set me off again and I’m back to feeling so crappy about everything.
I don’t want to go into talking about Ben/GF relationship as I have really felt like I’ve come to terms with that. But something set me off and I do need to say what – and it’s not anyone’s fault so I’m not apportioning blame here. I’m just saying what it was that has made me feel this way.
Ben texted me to ask if I could pick up the kids as he was at the airport dropping GF off and she was a bit upset and didn’t want to rush off, so would I pick them up, which of course I have no problem with. I’m happy to.
But it suddenly hit me again – how much they care for each other and how basically no-one feels that way about me – I have friends, yes, and I’m grateful for them, but its different. Having that one person that will miss you when you are not around. Having someone love you. That is what hit me. I’m not going backwards, I don’t want Ben back and I’m not angry at either of them anymore but I didn’t expect that little picture in my head (of them saying their sad farewells at the airport) to hit me so hard.
I keep being told that I should just give it time and not look to rush into anything just yet – to find myself and get used to being on my own and enjoying my own company, but the loneliness is hard to cope with sometimes. If I’m honest, I do wish I had something with someone out there. It may not be what I need right now. But it is something I wish I had. Even if just to take my mind off the pain when it does rear its ugly head like it has today.