I’ve been thinking a lot about love and partnership and what I want from a relationship if I ever get to the point of getting into one.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I won’t settle for just a nice guy who likes me and I like. I’m not dissing the nice guys out there, and I do want one. Not going to go out with someone who treats me like shit. Not a chance. But the next time I get into a relationship, I want the fireworks, the butterflies in the stomach, the lightening bolt. I want to fall in love. I want to know that he is the one for me.
My marriage was perhaps based on settling. I knew that he loved me, showered me with affection – chased me for 3 months until I eventually went out with him. We married in 1999, when I was 22. I did love Ben but I’m not sure I was ever IN LOVE with him. I loved our relationship, how well we got on, but I am not sure I ever felt that he was “the one”. And as the years went on, I really struggled with the fact that I wasn’t in love with him. Until my kids came along and I sat myself down and told myself that this was it. No more doubts. We are not just a couple now, we are a family. Through ups and downs I would have stuck with it (the marriage) because we were a family unit now. Which is why, I think, the fact that HE was the one to end it, came as such a shock. I guess I always assumed he would carry on worshiping me no matter what. Everyone always talked about how much he loved me, how much he always talked about me when he was out with friends. But I was wrong – it didn’t last forever. But you know what? That’s okay. He’s happier now – and I want that. I love him as a friend of 20 years would do and I want him to be happy. And he may actually have done me a favour.
But I want the same for myself. I want to be with someone who I find insatiably attractive. Someone who makes me feel good, just being with him. Someone who will treat me like a princess, but also not let me mope about feeling sorry for myself. Someone who is interested in the same things as me. Someone who can understand how important my blog is to me and supports me in all my interests and ambitions. If I can’t have that, I’d rather be on my own.