Home ill and feeling guilty
I came down with a cold this weekend. Woke up loads of times during the night. Decided at 6.30am that there was no way I was going to work.
I feel bad that I’m taking a sick day when I’ve only been in the job 4 weeks but I knew struggling into work would not do me any favours. I need to be well. Last week was a hellish week – disagreements and arguments. Emotions running high. Maybe that’s what made me ill.
Why does everything with me revolve around guilt. I feel guilty that I took a day off when I felt like I could barely get out of bed long enough to drop the kids off at their dad’s before school. I went back to bed and slept on and off until 11.30. After that I brought the duvet through to sofa and put Grey’s Anatomy.
It was a while later, around school pickup, that I started feeling horribly guilty. How dare I take a day to recover from a horrible cold that had me up half the night. How dare I allow the kids to be picked up by their childminder as they would have been if I was at work. Where they will play in the garden with their friends. Instead of being picked up by a poorly me, where they would come home to sit in my dark flat where I would feel too ill to have any meaningful interaction with them.
A few minutes ago I decided to hoover the flat in an effort to alleviate my guilt. Now my floor is clean and vacuumed. But I still feel guilty.