It’s my birthday tomorrow. I will be 38 years old.
The kids went back to their dad’s today after spending the afternoon with me. First we went to the Range to buy stickers. Then we went back to a friend’s house to play for a bit. Then we all went to McDonalds for dinner. I was supposed to have a doctors appointment but we were running late and I phoned and cancelled it. After they’d eaten we headed back to Daddy’s house and I had a cup of tea with Ben and Bella and then said my goodbyes and went to get some food and stuff for my party tomorrow.
I got back and put some music on – Adele – and sang along while I tidied up the kitchen, sitting room, emptied bins, took the throw off the sofa and picked off bits of dirt off it. I also made some banana and chocolate chip muffins for the party but burnt them as I got distracted and they needed a little bit more time and I’d started making myself an omelette for dinner. I was really frustrated to have burnt them!
Anyway, so now the place is looking pretty tidy. I don’t have much to do tomorrow other than tidy the kitchen, sweep the floor, prepare some food (and hopefully not burn it).
The plan for tomorrow is meet Ben, Bella and the kids for lunch at Wetherspoons, then my sister is coming – either to meet us at the pub or back at my flat depending on what time she can arrive. Then I can get on with getting ready for the party.
I’m feeling a little flat. I don’t know if it’s because the kids aren’t here anymore. Its nice to be able to just sort out my own food, to relax and watch TV if I want to. To have the place tidy and know that it will stay that way – at least until the party… But I miss them. I’m feeling a little low.
Its probably also to do with the fact that tomorrow I will be another year older. But I’m now without a husband and family home. My children are having to be ferried between homes (and don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t have it any other way – either not living with them or living with them full time and them missing out on time with their dad) but we are not together anymore. That’s hard.
And while I know in my heart this will be for the best. Maybe already is – I enjoy living on my own (I mean with me as the only adult). But sometimes I miss Ben. There is a lot I don’t miss about him but there are little things I do miss. Him making me a cup of tea in the morning. Cuddling up in bed (when things were good). Just knowing that he was there for me. And I know he is still there for me, but its different. I know there was a lot missing. We were more like people living together (at best: friends, at worst: housemates) instead of people who loved each other. And yes, we did argue and bicker a lot.
So I just have to make the most of the situation. Enjoy the little victories. The small things that make living alone enjoyable. Enjoy getting time to myself when the kids are with their dad. Try not to be too sad. Enjoy having them all to myself when they are with me.
Here are some photos.
Joshua and his new teddy
My living room tidied ready for the party: