Thinking about things and feeling guilty

I’m sat in my old house, now my ex husband’s house, thinking. 

It’s his turn to have the children but I go round after work to see them everyday. He’s currently picking them up from our friend/childminder so the house is empty. 

I had a chat with him earlier about this. About whether it is necessary for me to come round after work. The thing is I miss them and I don’t want to not see them for a whole week. I don’t want to get in the way of his routine just like I wouldn’t want him to get in the way of mine but he gets to see them in the morning when it’s my turn to have them so it’s not like he doesn’t see them during “my turn”. 

Would they mind not seeing me for a whole week? I know I would miss them. Would they miss me? 

I have to be honest and say that having a week where I don’t have to get them ready for school or bed is quite nice. It’s nice to just go home after seeing them in the evening and just do stuff for me – washing up, making my dinner etc. and I am free to go out whenever I want (tonight I’m going to the local pub with a friend where they will have karaoke). It’s nice having time to myself but I also feel guilty for enjoying this time. 

I also feel guilty that they aren’t with me all the time. I think it’s important for them to spend time with their dad and I think this is best for them, but I feel slightly like I’m a bad mother (or could be seen to be one) for not insisting that they stay with me. But doing that would have involved courts and is it really best for them? I don’t think so. It just pulls at me sometimes. The feeling that I’m not quite adequate as a parent. 

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It’s a bit later now. I feel a bit better now. I watched a bit of TV with Lala before she went up for her bath and then was going to go as Joshua was busy making Lego thugs but then he asked me to stay until he went up for his bath. They do need me! Sounds silly but sometimes I really do wonder if I’m just superfluous! 

Here is Josh with his latest Lego Creation. 

  

Please comment so I know I'm not alone out here!

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