After our Ikea trip and many discussions about our impending USA Trip, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and mulling over our impending separation. I mean, I know technically we are separated but we are spending a lot of time together as I’m over there packing, I often eat round there, we are shopping together (Ikea), spending a lot of time talking. We are getting on well. My mum actually said to me that its a shame as we clearly get on so well. But the love side of it is dead. I still feel very sad that our marriage is ending but we are still partners in parenthood and friendship. I trust that he cares about me and what happens to me. He cares about the children, as do I. We are going away together for 3 weeks.
We have so much history together that it is hard not to feel sad. I’m mostly okay but every now and then something will set me off – make me feel sad.
One thing was when he twice made me a cup of tea but made it way too strong – I thought: “he’s forgetting me already”. All that time of making me tea. Now he makes it for someone else and has forgotten how I have mine.
Another thing that set me off was him mentioning that the other day he drove through Binstead. We looked at a piece of land in that little village and for a while tried to find a way to get planning permission to build a house there. It came to nothing but it was our joint dream to find a plot of land somewhere nice and build a house. I was supposed to be a project manager by then and would take a sabatical in order to project manage the build. This made me very sad. It was our dream. He has since mentioned that he’d still like to move to a little cottage in the country sometime in the (probably distant now due to funds) future. This made me both angry and sad at the same time. He’s changing our dreams and is going to go live them without me. This hurts.
Here is a picture of us on our wedding day. 16 years ago in July. I don’t think I can write anymore now as this picture brings back rather a lot of sadness.