Feeling thoroughly miserable tonight

I don’t know where to start.

I feel beyond miserable.

As if everything that is going on isn’t bad enough, there is now doubt whether Ben will be able to get the mortgage he needs to buy me out – at least with the lender he’s been talking to. We’ve had problems with the solicitors who said that it was a conflict of interest that I was living here and when we said then I would move out, they seemed to think we were not telling the truth and they have now refused to work with Ben/the lender. Now it is in the hands of the mortgage adviser Ben had dealings with, who has been on holiday throughout this entire ordeal (which was going on Thursday and Friday last week) but is now back.

Whatever happens (i.e. if they do decide they can still lend with us – bearing in mind the Memorandum of Understanding that we had drawn up with mediators which is apparently an issue) I will have to move out. Apparently, putting the house in his name and getting a mortgage in his name only cannot happen with me still living in the property. So even though we are amicable and agreed for me to stay here until my flat came through – which frankly made much more sense, I have to find somewhere else to stay until that happens. That is IF he gets the mortgage.

I feel like its all going wrong. We’ve tried to be grownup and do things properly for us and the kids but that has been thrown back in our faces at every turn.

I feel like I’m never going to move out (into my own flat – not into someone’s spare bedroom temporarily) and move on with my life. I’ll be stuck here forever. Forever in limbo-land. Forever face to face with the fact that my husband doesn’t love me anymore (is in fact in love with someone else) and my marriage has gone to shit! To top that, if a mortgage does miraculously appear, I’m soon to be made homeless. I can’t even sleep in my car on my driveway – oh yeah it won’t be MY driveway to sleep on.

If I didn’t have the children to think about (who do seem to love me even though I feel like I am about as much use to anyone as a chocolate tea pot), I would seriously think about just cutting my losses with this stupid, mean world full of stupid mean people who have no concern for real people with real grown-up issues.

I just despair, I really do!

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