I’ve been feeling sorry for myself today. I found myself sinking deeper and deeper and feeling very resentful towards Ben. The feelings of betrayal and hurt surfacing and I ended up expressing them by making cutting responses to text or Facebook messages.
Those kind of feelings are so self-destructive and pointless. I wish I could just turn them off. I wish I could turn them around and bring back the positive feelings that I’ve had about this breakup. Those feelings are still there. I am still looking forward to having my own place, my own space, to decorating it and having friends round.
Just right now, while I’m waiting for searches to come through, there is nothing much happening and its making me feel stagnant, stuck.
I want to move on. Get into a routine – with the kids and everything. Make plans. Sort out all the stuff I’ll need to sort out for the flat – TV, internet, all that stuff.
In the end, I told Ben (via text, as he’s at the gym) how I was feeling and we smoothed it over a bit.
I don’t want this bitterness to overtake me and make itself the only thing that comes out of this 20 year relationship. I need to get a grip of it! Tomorrow I’m going to be positive!