I had a great time last night first at Wetherspoons – I went on my own but got chatting to two lovely ladies who then befriended me. We’ve already planned a night out on the 14th February – which is valentines day. Which is perfect. I need to make plans and go out. Then they introduced me to a guy who one of them had worked with for some time a while ago. A very nice man. He asked me on a date, and we are going out next friday. I’m not sure if the spark is there, but it will just be nice to go out with a man. Have a little attention. I will be honest with him about how I feel at the end of the night. Then after Weatherspoons I went to a friend’s party. It was really good fun. I had some chilli and a jacket potato which was good because I hadn’t eaten all day – I’ve made up for it already today by having two chocolate croissants, an iced cookie and a couple of digestive biscuits with cheese. I danced to 80’s music for a lot of the night and it was great fun. I went home around 1.30am because my back ached and I just longed for my bed.
Today I’m feeling a little down. I feel like I have a hangover even though all I had last night was 0% alcohol free lager and about 2 thumb full’s of bubbly. I just feel generally rubbish. Ben has been very good and sent me back to bed and is taking the kids out to the park and to B&Q. I feel awful. About not being able to be a very good parent today. I’m just so tired I can’t cope with their constant demands and bickering. So I’m grateful to be having a little time to myself.
I am feeling sad but at the same time I’m feeling positive about the future. I have my date Friday and if that doesn’t work out then hopefully I’ll have made a friend. And i’m sure there will be more dates and friends to come. I just need to keep getting out there. This year I will: find my own place, learn to be on my own, learn to be a lone-parent (half the time – when I have them): I am determined that I will think of nice things to do with them on the weekends when I have them. I hope they will be okay with this whole separation thing….. We haven’t told them yet, although my son has announced that he wants a second house so that we can have a cat (as he’s been told we can’t have a cat in this house – due to the road being too dangerous and the fact that Bella is allergic). I don’t really know where that came from.
The sadness really comes when I’m not expecting it. I was feeling okay last night. In fact, most of the time when I’m talking to people, I’m fine. I’m logical. I explain how we weren’t in love. The spark wasn’t there. Its been a long time coming. But then, like today, I’m feel tired and run down and my sad, negative feelings will start bubbling to the surface. Thoughts like:
- You aren’t a good parent
- You aren’t wanted anymore
- You have no role anymore
- You will be alone forever
I’m tired now. I’m going to go make myself a coffee and watch some tv while everyone is out.