My marriage is over. I can’t quite believe I am writing this. This last week has been a complete roller coaster of events and emotions. I can’t quite believe it myself.
On Saturday we went to Brugge for the day. It was nice but felt odd. Something wasn’t right. On the way home in the back of the car I cried. I didn’t know what for at the time. Ben and Bella didn’t notice because of the loud music.
Sunday morning I woke up very late (11.30 or something) due to having got back late and taking my meds late. It always makes me groggy. So I woke up, thinking: wow, he let me have a very long lie in. How nice. Then I went downstairs to find him. He wasn’t there, nor were the kids, nor Bella. Then I started getting text messages from my husband. He was saying that he thought the marriage was over, that he didn’t love me anymore and that I didn’t love him if I’m honest. He said that he thought I should move to my parents for a week or so. I replied with all the expected responses – please don’t do this, we can fix this, don’t break up our family…. But he was adamant.
I asked him where he was and said that I needed to see the kids and he said he was going to go to the Range and buy some arty christmassy stuff for the kids so I went and met him there. We had a hug. We were normal for the kids. I wanted to cry quite a few times. Then we went home and the kids did the decorations and made baubles for the tree out of polystyrene balls and pipe cleaners. A bit later (mid afternoon) I went to my parents house to talk to them about staying over for a few days. They agreed that I could. They were very supportive. I went back home and then after the kids were in bed I packed some things and left. I think I went to Daisy’s house for a bit before I went to my parents. She was very much in shock and didn’t know what to say. But it was good to be with someone, not on my own.
Sunday night was pure hell. I hated being in my parents house (in these circumstances) in my son’s bed that he sleeps in when they stay over. It reminded me that I was in a different house from them. All sorts of things were going through my head. Also I was messaging or texting Ben to try to figure out what we were going to do.
Monday I went to work. Tried to keep things together. After work, I went straight round to my house to put the kids to bed. Once they were in bed I got a few extra bits and went back to my parents again. After chatting to my parents I decided that it was not a good idea me being out of my house – I needed my bed, my room, to see the kids sleeping before I went to bed, etc. So I decided that I would give ben until Friday and then I would be coming back home and he would have to sort it out for himself. But then later in bed, I decided that I really couldn’t bare to be away from home for another day. So I told him that I was planning to come home – that he would have to sleep in another room. Another reason for doing it on Tuesday was that my parents were going away on the Friday and they wanted to be around to support me. So if I left it until the Saturday or the following week they wouldn’t be around.
Tuesday morning, I got up, packed my things up, then drove into Farnham to have my optician’s appointment (my eye sight is getting worse). After that, I drove round to Daisy’s house. We had a couple of cups of coffee and talked about the situation. Then my dad came round with my stuff. He came into Daisy’s house for a cup of coffee and we talked some more. Then we got up, and went round to my house to move my stuff back in. Ben was in his office. I said hello and then me and my dad and I went about sorting out my room – making it more mine. We cleared the floor (mostly Ben’s things), I tidied the dressing table, my dad hoovered the floor. It was therapeutic. Then Ben and I went downstairs together and started talking. We were very civil, calm. I can’t remember exactly what was said but we talked about our marriage and how it hasn’t all be great. In fact, some of it has been pretty rubbish. I admitted to Ben that I was probably also not “in love” with him either. We came to the conclusion that for now, it is best that I sleep here in my room. After that, we can discuss later.
I will write more later. I’m writing this up in bits as if I try to do it all in one go, I’ll exhaust myself, so please bear with me.
Oh also: please feel free to comment. Support is wonderful but I have had reams and reams of advise given to me. I don’t need, even with the best of intentions, to be told what I should be doing or feeling. Many thanks.