I’ve really enjoyed my first 2 weeks at my new job.I like the people, I like my boss, I like the work even though it’s not as taxing as maybe I’m used to. But it’s not stressful. And it’s not boring. The commute to Guildford can be a bit of a pain. But I just switch the music on and try to zone out.
I have my appointment with the MH doctors tomorrow. It looks like they may agree with our suggested diagnosis of bipolar 2. We had had concerns about the trainee doctor that I had seen with Daisy, but after my doctor rang the consultant at the MH place and she has reassured me that’s the doctor knows what she’s doing and they are taking my case seriously. So tomorrow at 11 o’clock we are going (me, Daisy and Ben) to my appointments where we’re going to discuss the diagnosis and possible change in medication. I’m working from home tomorrow, another perk of this job. This is great, because I can start early and finish later without having to battle the traffic into and out of Guildford. And also after my appointment I may be upset or just need quite time on my own so it works out really well.
Depression wise, things have been a bit up-and-down. I’m okay when I’m at work I find it structured and I enjoy it. But when I’m at home sometimes I get down and tearful and last night for instance I was at parents evening.and I got very upset looking around thinking to myself that I’m fat and looking at the other parents around me many of whom were very slender and slim and I kept thinking to myself what is wrong with me.
I have not been good at writing in my MH diary lately so I started one on my phone on Evernote because I’m more likely to have my phone with me down the book. I know it’s important to write down how I’m feeling and to document times when I am feeling extremely motionless, so I want to keep doing it. I just need to remember to do it.
As I mentioned above, I’m really struggling with my weight at the moment. I don’t want to throw myself into a diet, because I know I won’t be able to keep it up and then I will get upset and feel like a failure. But on the other hand I know that I need to be healthily and look after myself in order to help my mental well-being. It’sjust finding the right balance. I’ve also been smoking rather a lot lately. The girls in the team at work I will smokers and male make Rollies like me. And it’s more of a social thing going out to have a cigarette with them where as I normally wouldn’t smoke during the day. Now I’m smoking four or five during the day, and then a couple in the evening depending on whether I’m drinking or not. Again a bit like the comfort eating and the alcohol it’s a tool I’m using a little bit at the moment to help me with things and I don’t feel ready to tackle the issue just yet until I’m on more of an even keel.
I’d better go now.