Crisis of confidence

I’m having a crisis of confidence as I am wont to do!
I don’t know exactly how to put it into words. I think I am slightly depressed (particularly since coming back from holiday and back to work/real life with a thud).

Even now, with the keyboard in front of me, I feel powerless to get things off my mind. I look at other bloggers and compare them to me. The wonderful You Baby Me Mummy recently blogged about how, to her, blogging is a fulltime job around looking after her baby. I am in awe of how much time she spends commenting and reading other people’s blogs. I am severely lacking in that department. Mainly because my job does not allow me to be obviously online reading blogs, even if I have the time – my desk is overlooked and I have to be careful. And I have had so many occassions where I tried to comment on a blog via my phone but it didn’t work and I lost the comment so I don’t bother anymore. I feel sorely inadequate. Half the time I don’t even write about things that are happening with me because it has begun to feel like hard work. I love it when I’m doing it but much like with anything else that requires work, I postpone and make it seem in my head like much more of a big deal than it actually is. Take my most recent review for instance. I had been putting it off for days since getting back off holiday. I already had the pictures I needed but in my head it was a huge job. In the end, when I finally got to it, it took me maybe half an hour, maybe less.

I feel like there is too much going on. Maybe I should give up on a few things. PBloggers. I love it and I want it to work but when I do put the effort in, its great but then I have a few weeks or months where I just don’t have the time or energy and it makes me feel like a failure. And then I compare myself to all the other bloggers networks out there – the ones that actually do round-ups of posts and send out email newsletters and the like and I feel like a joke. Then there was MHMonday which is going well but I don’t know why I started it. Well, I do but there have been some people commenting on that saying things like “Do you mean Mental Health or mental illness cos we all have mental health” and other things which to me are kind of irrelevant. Someone else told me they didn’t like the picture. They’d never attended the chat before and the first thing they came out with was to tell me that they had a problem with the picture I’d used. At least now I’m back from Turkey I can forget about learning Turkish again for a few months at least. That is one thing that I don’t have to add to my “burden” list. Terrible way of thinking about things, I know. Blogging is something I should enjoy. But why do I feel like I’m constantly failing?

I am also having to admit to myself that I am a shopaholic. Its not a joke. I really am. I will have to do a proper post about that but in the meantime I will just say that its hard admitting that you have a problem. My hubby has just taken out a loan for me to clear my overdraft (again – this has happened before) and I feel a failure in that respect and I feel like I’ve let him down. I should be putting money aside for our future or for our USA Road Trip in March next year. Not frittering it away on Livescribe Wifi Pens or make up or new clothes that I didn’t really need.

I don’t really know how to stop feeling like this. Feeling like a failure. Like I’m letting everyone down.

 

 

6 Thoughts on “Crisis of confidence

  1. Sad you feel like this. Maybe chunking and lists, then prioritising them, and splitting them off into smaller pieces will help. And you could allocate a certain amount of time to each a week.

    The hard thing with blogging is the comparison with others. It’s horrible seeing bloggers come up behind you and totally whizz up and past on to great things – with one big idea. I just try and remember that I started my blog for me and as long as I’m happy with it and people are reading and enjoying it, then that’s what’s important. I work full time, and as it is I spend all my evenings blogging, I have no hobbies any more outside that largely due to my OH being rubbish at agreeing to finish work so I can go out dancing and I’ve no motivation to actually get fit and healthy, so I’m piling on ridiculous amounts of weight. But I can never compete time wise with others – who might not work, and have napping children etc. That’s life and I do what I can.

    If you need to take a break, then do, you might find you have lots of ideas to come back to? Why not just write posts for you and not others? Or aim to write only smaller posts a couple of times a week, and spend one evening commenting on others if you want to.

    Hope you can get things straight in your mind for what you want to do (and your OH sounds great helping you get finances sorted).

  2. When I have a crisis of confidence, which is often, I stop……….and just write titles! In my draft box I have lists of titles, with nothing written after it. I feel like it empties my brain, like emptying the trash.

    It seems to me, you’re taking on a bit much so at the moment. Stop, Even if just for a day or two, no one will punish you for it. You have a network of bloggers that support and care, take advantage xxx

    • Thank you. That is good advise and I will try to take it. She says having just created a spreadsheet to automatically post my blog posts on twitter more regularly. Erm….

  3. I think you are trying to take too much on, it is a much stronger and braver person to admit when they can’t cope rather than working themselves into the ground. My wife used to start new things looking for a win, but by starting new things all the time she rarely finished anything making her condition worse. When she stripped right back, she was able to dedicate more time to one thing and realise the fun that it had once been. Walking away is extremely hard, but if you stop some of the projects you run and try to remember why you started blogging in the first place, I’m sure it will become fun again.

Please comment so I know I'm not alone out here!

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