I’m feeling really really low this evening. When I was at work I was looking at the clock willing it to be time to go home. Then at 5.30pm I left the office and drove home but still felt a bit like Whats the Point. It felt like a dreary drive home. I went into the house and said hi to the kids and to Bella but continued to feel low and depressed and down and dark.
I don’t know what is up. I don’t know whose fault it is. I feel like I should be doing something else with my life. Should be living a completely different life style altogether. Being in that office doesn’t feel right. But then I’ve worked in much nicer offices and they too have ended up feeling like the cause of a depression. I felt shit about being a PA – being somebody’s dogsbody. Now I’m a project manager and I don’t feel any better (not that I’ve had much of a chance to do much project managing as we’ve been waiting for the projects to come in). I wish I could make money from writing or from my blog. I wish I had the get-up-and-go to make it happen. Not that it would be possible to even earn the same amount as I’m on a pretty good salary. Why can’t I just be happy that I have a job and I’m being paid. Why do I need to be so damn interested in what I’m doing. Its like I have this alternate reality which is the reality I really should be living. Where I potter about with the kids, dropping them off at school, picking them up and then having fun, followed by making them healthy dinners (which is pure fantasy as nuggets and chips are about the extent of my culinary abilities). And they would always be good in this fantasy. And I’d have time to sit down in my (tidy) office and write and organise. In another (slightly more realistic) reality, I manage to get myself a project manager job based at home. And I manage to work more flexibly around the kids. That shouldn’t be out of the realms of possibility, should it? I just need to keep at the job I currently have. Do a good job when I have the work to do and get some experience. In a year’s time or so, I can use that experience to maybe try and find something a bit more down my street – from home if I can find it, but if not, in a slightly more modern company.
I am probably rambling. But I’m just trying to make sense of my feelings and why I feel so unbearably down. My friend says that I should go back to the doctors and maybe ask to change the anti-depressants I’m on. She may have a point but I still want to give it a few weeks. I only saw the doctor on Thursday and they upped my citalopram from 30mg to 40mg. Although I have been on them for a long time. Pretty much since just before Lala was born. And she’ll be 4 in August.
Anyway, lost my steam now. Going to go for swim and sauna/jacuzzi tonight so that should make me feel better even though all I want to do is sleep!