Never drinking again

Well, not until this friday anyway! I’m definitely in need some booze-free time. 

So even after drinking quite a lot on Saturday at the Carnival (a lovely day out with the kids), yesterday turned into a bit of a boozy summer afternoon. Joshua had a playdate with some friends in the backgarden and so I was chatting with some of the mums from his school. They are all very lovely and we get on very well. One of them is my very lovely friend and neighbour who we are going on holiday to Turkey with. At first it was the kids and mums. Then around dinner time (5ish) two of the mums took their kids home and it was me and my friend/neighbour, Ben and Bella. We got my friends hubby to come down too and we were having drinks and chatting. I think was necking the wine rather quickly. I blame Ben for bringing out bubbly when I was already pissed on wine – okay, its not his fault at all, I just couldn’t control myself. So, anyway, lots of booze was consumed. I smoked – which I only do when very very drunk – normally my pretend ciggie – my eCig will do the trick. But not this time. I was also possibly flirting with my friend’s hubby. This is what my husband thought. Although since then Bella thinks I was just being overly friendly and trying to bring him out of his shell. By tickling him and trying to make him smile. 

I feel terribly embarrassed. They left around the kids bedtime I think. Maybe a bit before that. I apparently crashed out in bed before the kids were even in bed. Good parenting, that. Good job Ben/Bella was there to be a semi-responsible adult and put the children to bed. 

So I woke up at around 1am and realised that a) I hadn’t taken my contact lenses out. b) I couldn’t find my phone. c) ben wasn’t in bed. So I went to the bathroom and took my lenses out and put my glasses on. Then I went downstairs and found my phone in my bag – out of charge. I plugged it in and then went and found Ben. He was watching Patten or something (old war movie). He seemed happy enough so I just said good night and went back to bed. But I couldn’t sleep so I was trolling twitter for a while. I took those slimming pills on both Saturday and Sunday so apart from the drunken slumber between 7ish and 1am I didn’t really sleep. Another thing I feel a bit ashamed about. My mental health isn’t brilliant at the moment but because I was so fed up of Ben being so great at dieting/exercising and me not so much, I wanted to give myself a boost. I’ve also not been sticking to Weight Watchers properly either. So anyway, I couldn’t sleep and so after a couple of hours I went downstairs to get something else to eat. I chatted to ben a bit and again he seemed fine. After trying to sleep again for a bit longer, I went down again and asked Ben if he wanted to come to bed yet. And at this point he seemed really grumpy with me. I asked him what was wrong and he said did I think it was alright to treat my friend’s hubby like a piece of meat (flirting and cooing over his tattoos etc) but its not okay for him to act like that. I didn’t honestly think I had been that bad but in hindsight I can see how he might have thought that I was “interested” in my friend’s hubby. Which I’m totally not. He’s a lovely guy. He’s nice looking too. But I’m happy in my marriage. And I wouldn’t ever do anything to hurt Ben, my family or my friend’s family. I think I just got a bit too lively. Hangs head in shame! 

So Ben was explaining to me, quite drunkenly, that he was pissed off and he felt like I was attracted to any bloke with good arms and tattoos (there was an incident when we went away to Prague with a guy on the aeroplane too), but that I wasn’t attracted to him. He clearly was really stressed and upset. At first I was defensive saying that I hadn’t been that bad and that it was just a bit of fun but then he started saying things like “I don’t know why you are with me, you clearly can’t stand me” and suggesting that I might want us to split up. It really was a shock to the system. I’ve been depressed and struggling with my own feelings and have completely been missing seeing my husband’s side of things. I felt terrible. I cried. I told him that I did love him and that I didn’t want us to split up. I admitted to resenting how successful he’s been at losing weight – jealousy on my part really. And I don’t have his energy, hence another reason for taking the slimming pills: the first day or so that you take them they make you feel super energetic and productive. I renovated the doll’s house, cleaned up the kitchen and did the Carnival procession with Lala on Saturday. I loved feeling super-charged like that! Normally I’m quite a sedentary person. It takes quite a lot of effort for me to get up and do things. Hence the focus on organisation. I like lists. Anyway, so I talked to him and reassured him that I really do love him and its just my own insecurities that have made me resent him and my own depression and anxiety making me take things out on him. Really its not fair and I’ve been a shit. We made up. 

I suppose this is a good thing because I did very much feel like I was in a slump and this has kicked me out of it. I can’t go on treating Ben like that. And I need to behave myself around my friend’s hubbies (although Bella did insinuate that I may not have been that bad on that front – that I was just being a bit huggy and stuff). Anyway, its given me the kick up the bum that I need. So, no booze until at least Friday night. Also, I have a massive bloody bruise on my leg. Fail! 

Well, at least I know the kids had a good time this weekend!







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