I feel rather guilty. I’m feeling run down and tired and I had a lovely relaxed afternoon while the kids were swimming and then they came home. It was about quarter past 7 and so I tried to usher them straight up to bed. But Joshua was too hyper and started being difficult. Maybe its because I had previously been in the relaxed zone and in barged two very excited kids on the calm but I just did not cope well. Joshua seemed to be in super-difficult mode, and then Lala peed on the bedroom floor just as I was trying to get her into her jimjams. In the end I burst into tears and had to get Bella (our aupair) to come and help me. She was already making milk but I just felt like I couldn’t cope. Joshua was laughing at me and seemed to find my being upset funny and I just didn’t know what to do. She was brilliant. She always is. And in the end Joshua did apologise and after I’d gone downstairs, Bella came down a bit later and told me that Joshua had got upset because he had upset me. Which is good – as his apology before to me seemed more because he didn’t want to lose use of the ipad in the morning (which he is still losing) – so maybe he does have a heart and not want to purposely hurt me. I sound pathetic, don’t I!? He’s 5. I’m 36 and somehow he managed to reduce me to tears in the space of 10 minutes!
I feel bad because I should have been able to cope. I feel guilty because I had a lovely lazy afternoon (while they were having fun at the swimming pool – so not TOTALLY guilty). but also because I half didn’t want them to come back (while at the same time I was getting anxious to know when they were going to be back – if that makes sense). It was just unreal the amount of chaos that they managed to bring with them the minute they walked through that door. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not wishing I didn’t have them. I don’t know what I’d do without them. I just generally feel like I’m not a very good parent right now!