I thought I was pregnant

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This is why I haven’t written anything in my blog in a while. Because I thought I was pregnant.

I ran out of my contraceptive pill and couldn’t get a replacement prescription for a week. I thought it would be okay to have a week’s break and that I would still be covered. But I forgot that it was the mini pill that I was on. Or rather, I forgot that, while on the mini pill, if you stop taking it, you are unprotected pretty much immediately.

We had sex on the Friday and I had come off the pill on the Monday. I went to the nurse at work the following Monday and this is when she set me straight about the pill that I was on. She also recommended that as there was a small chance that I was pregnant, I should wait until the first day of my next period to start taking the pill again.

I kept getting signs that I could be pregnant. I got a load of clear discharge a week or so after the night we had sex. I started getting cramps and pains like I was about to have a period but it didn’t come. I wasn’t sure when my period should really come as I had had rather irregular periods while on this pill anyway. I started getting sore boobs, bleeding gums and a few other signs that I thought meant I was pregnant. I didn’t tell my husband. I told a few close friends that I thought I might be pregnant. I did a few tests – all said negative but I thought they might be wrong as it was too early to test.

I worried a lot about what Ben would say about having a 3rd. I knew that if we had a 3rd I would most likely (have to) give up working and stay home to look after them. The idea of this was both scary and a good thing in my eyes as I feel a huge amount of guilt about sending my kids off to be looked after by other people on a daily basis. The mornings when my little girl asks me to stay home with her, the days when my son, confused about what day it is, asks where he’s going today. I thought, maybe this will be my chance to be a “proper mother” to a new baby and to my two children I already have. I thought that I could get away from the world of office work that I don’t feel I really fit into. I guess I saw it as an escape. Life seems such a rat race – especially with commuting an hour to get to work every day, twice a day. I daydreamed about a life where i walked my children to school in the morning and walked them home in the afternoon, and cooked them dinner in the evening and sat and did homework with them (not just in the half hour before bedtime after I get home). A life of not having to commute to Reading every day and of playdates with friends (I really miss that) and soft play…

The reality of a third child would probably be very different. Paying the mortgage, let alone anything else, would be a struggle on just Ben’s salary. I know we would cope but there would be no more Sunday lunchtime pub visits, not worrying (too much) about how we would afford it. We would probably not be able to afford holidays in Turkey – not at first anyway. No more festivals – no more Ben going to festivals on his own (now, this wouldn’t bother ME so much, but I must admit I loved going to Glastonbury this year and we are looking forward to taking the kids to Latitude next year – we already bought the tickets). No more nice phones, laptops, iPads etc. Yes, I know these things aren’t the end of the world but we do like them. The logistics of having 3 kids would be different to just having 2. Fitting them all in the car. Holding hands on dog walks. The sheer amount of attention that we could give 3 kids as opposed to 2. This weekend has been a case in point. I love my children dearly but oh boy, they wind me up sometimes. Joshua especially. And together they are like little destruction units, fighting with each other and winding each other up…. It made me realise that really, having another child and staying at home, was little more than a pipe dream. The reality wouldn’t be nearly as rosy as I think it would be.

I told Ben last week – on Tuesday, that I’d seen the nurse at work (again) and she had done a pregnancy test – one that you can do early and it showed as negative meaning that most likely I was NOT pregnant. I then told him. I’d been keeping all this is a secret from him while I’d been worrying about it and stressing about it for weeks. The nurse even said that the stress of it could have been giving me more symptoms to indicate that i was pregnant – because I was convinced that I was. So that was Tuesday. I told him Tuesday via Skype while I was at work. Tuesday night I blew off weight watchers and we talked and had a drink. He had been quite shocked and scared – because there was still a chance that I was pregnant – with my period not yet making an appearance. Friday I had a day off from work and we came camping. Today, my period arrived. I have to say after weeks of thinking I was pregnant, hoping I was, being scared that I wasn’t, being scared that I was, being scared that I would have to tell Ben that I was and deal with how he reacted, of daydreaming about handing in my notice and giving up work, stressing about money…. stressing about telling Ben that we could probably not do our USA Route 66 Road trip that we are planning for 2015…. After all this, my period coming was a huge relief.

So today, I know that I’m NOT pregnant. I now know that I don’t WANT to have another baby. I may not want to work, but I can at least now focus on finishing my training so I can get on with my plan to get another job that is closer to home, that has the possibility of working from home, maybe going part time…. I can get on with focussing on trying to lose weight (this has completely gone out of the window since I thought I was pregnant). I can focus on enjoying my two lovely children as much as I can before they get too big. My little girl turned 3 yesterday. It doesn’t feel like 3 years ago that she arrived into our life. She is a little ray of sunshine. I can get on with starting to get back into the things that I like doing – that I either gave up doing when I had kids or that I just never had the money or time to do until now – like horse riding, like singing, like playing guitar. It has been a tough few weeks – mentally and emotionally draining. But its time to draw a line under it and move on.

11 Thoughts on “I thought I was pregnant

  1. Phew! What a few weeks you’ve had! I can relate to some extent because I went into total shock and denial when I thought I might be pregnant for the 5th time last summer – I was, however. I wouldn’t even buy the pregnancy test, had to send Hubby (who was unreasonably chuffed)! I got over the shock, and we’ve made it work, and as I type I’m holding my 5 month old who I wouldn’t not have for the world – but a new baby changes everything, especially if you’re working (which I wasn’t). So, strange as it is to say it, ‘congratulations’!

  2. Im so glad you are happy with the result regardless of what it was. Another kid is always an amazing addition. But hey it still means you can go to America and see me soon (hopefully) haha. Proud of you lady! Xxx

  3. Wow, terrifying. I’ve had a few moments like that with forgotten pills. Good that it helped you realise what you really wanted.

  4. Sounds like you have been stressed, you can relax now. I am a sahm to 4 kids and its definitely no picnic, although its rewarding its hard work and sometimes I wish I went out to work but I have to keep the thought in mind that it will get easier once the 2 little ones start school. Try not to feel guilty about going to work, you probably enjoy the time you get with them so much more

    • Thanks. I do struggle a lot with the guilt but I also know that being at home wouldn’t be a walk in the park – even though I do have “grass greener” kind of daydreams about how it would be… I think its definitely time to start working towards a way that I can have a happier medium.

  5. Oh bless you, I’m pleased that you’re happy with the result. It’s strange how our bodies trick us into being all happy/sad/happy at the prospect.

    Hope you’re ok. I’ve missed your posts xx

    Just Pirouette and Carry On…

  6. Pingback: Mum in a Hurry | Good enough

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