Too hot! Guilt and feeling fat!
Its too bloody hot!
Too hot to be outside, but too hot to be inside! Of course, having a hangover today certainly didn’t help.
It was my turn for a lie-in but I couldn’t sleep as I was de-hydrated and feeling rubbish. Have continued feeling rubbish most of the day.
I’m also feeling fat. Just feel like a big lump. Haven’t really tracked this week as had high stress pretty much Wednesday through to Friday and then went and got drunk friday night. To be honest, I can’t really blame myself. Stress seems to fuel my emotional eating. And even if I’m not being “bad” I’m just not counting so I have no idea if I’ll lose weight or not. I don’t feel like I will as I feel large as ever! I need some calm, some normality, I need to not feel so stressed and guilty. I need to regain some control and some self-esteem. Need to not have my thighs rub together in this heat! Its disgusting. I feel so unattractive. Hubby is going to come upstairs in a bit (I’m in bed in front of fan) and expect post-return-from-travels sex and I can’t think of anything I’d want to do less right now! The thought of anyone touching me makes me feel sick! I don’t want to be this lump anymore. I look massive in whatever I wear. I feel old and frumpy. It doesn’t help that we have a slim 19 year old living with us. I can’t help but compare myself to her when I see her (my problem, not hers – she is lovely). But I feel inadequate. Unable to achieve anything. I want to crawl into bed (luckily I’m already there) and stay there forever. Not going to happen really is it! If kids didn’t come and drag me out of bed, hubby would.
I don’t know how I’m going to lift myself out of this hole. How am I going to start liking myself again? Being proud of myself and what I look like? Making an effort to look nice…. I haven’t worn make-up since Britmums which was 20th or something of June. I’m going to go ahead and post this now as if I carry on its just going to be the same regurgitated self-indulgent crap!