Detox Day 4 – I’m not pregnant, I’m just fat!
10.00 ish – I am such a moron. I have been convinced that I was pregnant. I looked so bloated and couldn’t see that the bulge that is my tummy could be just fat. I was sure somehow my pill had not worked and I’d got pregnant. Like I said in a previous post, a tiny little part of me likes the idea of one more – we would be forced to become much more family-centric. Maybe given no choice I would have to be a better SAHM than I have been on the few days I’ve had to do it. But the relief was huge when I saw the words “Not Pregnant” in that little digital screen of the pregnancy test. I just had to get one this morning because I had to know one way or the other. Now I know. I’m not pregnant, just fat. Hopefully this detox diet will see to that problem slowly.
13:13. Just had lunch with a very nice lady who works here. I will call her Sally. She does something that I want to do but is having some issues since the reshuffle. I don’t want to go into too many details but I just wanted to say that I feel like I’ve met a kindred spirit. She reached out to me and was very nice when I had my melt down before Christmas and since then I have chatted with her occasionally in person and online. Today, since my two colleagues are out for a couple of hours over lunchtime I asked Sally if she wanted to have lunch with me. She shared some feelings that are similar to my own (of having little demons on each shoulder – a nice one and a nasty one – the nice one tells you that you are okay and you can do this and the nasty one that tells you you are rubbish and you might as well go home and give up) – ie a low self-esteem, a tendency to doubt oneself. It was really nice to chat to her. She had a little bit of a moment when tears came to her eyes and while I don’t like to see anyone upset, it was (selfishly) nice for me to see that I’m not the only one that does that – that can’t control my emotions at all times and will cry a bit in front of people.
14.47 I just re-read my birth story from my first child. I think I’m going to post it on here. It brought me to tears nearly. Which is inconvenient as I’m at work. but it was quiet tears and not quite. It was so traumatic but so worth it.
22:06. I have a laptop. Its GORGEOUS. And diddy. I love it. Watching telly on the sofa with hubster. At long last I can blog away to my hearts content without being stuck in my office.