All mixed up

I don’t know where to start tonight. But I feel like if I don’t, I’ll just bottle it up inside.

I am feeling so many mixed emotions. I hate work. I hate the long commute and having to rush around every morning getting the kids ready to go wherever they are going (this changes week on week and depends on which grandparent is on holiday and which nursery is having half term), I hate feeling like I’m the office lacky (getting a lot of the rubbish boring jobs because I’m a) new and b) have much less work than the others), I hate feeling like I am capable of so much more, I hate feeling bored, I hate feeling like I’m not good enough, I hate the clothes that I wear when I’m in a hurry because I don’t feel like anyhting “nice” will fit me. I hate leaving at 5pm when I’m really supposed to work until 5.30pm but I have to leave at 5pm cos of my kids (I have agreed to take half hour lunchbreak so this hopefully is not an issue). I hate being away from my kids especially when they are poorly. I hate having to pass them from pillar to post (or nursery to childminder to grandparent). I hate feeling like the only one in the office that has mental health issues. I hated (today) to be made to feel like having a panic attack is not acceptable (actually what wasn’t acceptable was running out of the office with no notice, and I suppose that is fair enough, but then if I had broken a bone and had to go to the hospital or had a bad migraine…. but I guess that’s different). I hate feeling like a pariah. But is it just ME that makes me feel like that.

I feel like there is a better life out there for me but I just don’t know what it is. I feel like if only I could figure out what I could do, to be my own boss. To run my own business. To decide my own working hours.

But now I have the new car. I have a pretty high salary and a “good job” if I walk away from that what if it all fails. I can’t walk away anyway because I have bills to pay (including a brand new car to pay for). If I started my own business I’d have to do it on the side. I don’t even know where to start with that. Maybe I’m not capable. Maybe it would all be too much.

Maybe I should just accept things the way they are. Accept that my life will be hectic. That I will spend 2 hours driving a day. Arrive into work in a rush. Leave work in a rush. I was enjoying it, wasn’t I? What changed. I got a stupid panic attack (and I was bored and last friday left a few things undone in the inbox because I was bored and thought they could wait until Monday). I ran out of the office and when I came back (dressed smart and with makeup on so I felt the part), I was sat down by boss and told that what happened yesterday wasn’t acceptable. She said she understands that maybe I have health (mental health) issues. I was completely honest about panic attack and depression history. And she said do I really want to be doing this. The long commute, the office. Was basically told that can’t go around getting all upset in an office like this. Told her it was nothing to do with work but apparently that doesn’t matter. Crying in the office is a no-no. Left her office in tears (feel like failure again for showing “weakness”). Ran into J (colleague) in bathroom. Explained what happened. Once stopped hyperventilating. Went out for “fresh air” blagged a ciggie off a guy out there. Brief chat about things (without going into too much detail).

Feel like everything has gone from pretty good to really fucking awful in the blink of an eye. I quite enjoy my job. I wish I was busier. Was so depressed on Monday. Felt like I am meant for higher purpose (not higher as in holy or anything). Just like…. I so desperately want to work for myself. Don’t like being told I have to be in a particular place even though I can do the work just as well from home. Would like at least to be able to work from home guilt free. That is now apparently being taken away from me. Boss told me that from now on I’m to work from office all the time (apart from over xmas thankfully). And that I’m on a months probation (that’s not exactly how she put it – she said on a performance review or something). But apparently, that has to come from my agency as technically I’m employed by them, not her. When I spoke to lady in agency, she was very sympathetic. Seemed to understand my issues and seemed to be understanding of the fact that I needed encouragement and support, not just a damn good telling off. What is it with women bosses, eh? Every one I’ve had has felt the need to assert their dominance. Like some kind of pissing contest.

Guess I just have to get on with it. Was going to book some time off in January but I’m not even sure I should do that yet as it was mentioned (in meeting with boss) that I haven’t been in a full week since I started – there were a few instances. I was ill, my kids were ill, I took a days leave and I worked from home a couple of days. Its not like its busy. Not sure I exactly get the problem. I guess that’s just me. Mrs Unreliable. Colleague said maybe wait until end of January when you’ve “given her a full month” that I should request some time off. But what is wrong with taking time off if I’ve got it allocated. Surely better book the time off than to fall over cos I’m just too fucking stressed to cope anymore. I dunno.

Going to try to find the reason I went back full time and the things I enjoy about working:

  • Like having money
  • Like new car (OK, love)
  • Like getting away from house and (if honest) kids (a bit)
  • Like feeling like I serve a purpose (although workload been that shit have felt a bit like that purpose was to sit surfing the net all day)
  • Like being able to walk down the hall to get a starbucks
  • Like being able to sit at my desk and concentrate at doing a task (no cBeebies in the background, no barking dog, no kids bickering or constantly pulling me away)
  • Like wearing nice clothes (need to work on that. my wardrobe is shit & need to lose some weight)

That’s all I can come up with right. Still not really feeling the love. Just feeling low. Unmotivated. Tired. Guilty. Sad. 

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