Just a quick one as I’m going to bed as soon as I’ve written this (once I’ve taken my contact lenses out and brushed my teeth and been to the loo and taken my pills – one anti-depressant, one contraceptive – don’t you ever just feel like life is one long slog. Even just going to bed…. anyway I digress).
I’ve been thinking about my weight tonight. Most of the time I can fool myself into feeling okay about myself. I do not completely pig out but I do sometimes use food as comfort when I’m feeling tired, down, stressed. I am not massive. I’m about a size 16. But my aim is to be a 12. I was that not so long ago. I went on Weight Watchers after having my daughter and lost nearly 3 stone. I found it so easy then. I was on a mission. But some time in this last year I just lost it. Generally I’m okay wiht myself but its times like tonight when I try on a dress that is a little too tight or look at my thighs when I have no clothes on and realise they are bigger than they used to be. Suddenly that chunk of cheese of slice of cake doesn’t feel so appealing. Sadly the feeling fat moments are usually in the evening AFTER whatever indulgence I’ve given into during the day.
Tonight as well as my dinner which my husband prepared (steamed garlicky chicken and steamed vegetables – it was yummy but we didn’t eat until gone 9 as he went to the gym so I was a bit hungry)…. I had some toast when I got home, a couple of slices of cheddar, two of the kids chocolate chip cookies. I had soup for lunch with a bread roll with butter (which wasn’t so bad) and later I had a bag of salted popcorn (3 WW points if I had been counting which I wasn’t) and then I did go for the healthier option of a yoghurt bar over a slice of cake!
I feel out of control. I hate feeling fat. My dress I’m wearing on wednesday night for the Christmas party is a bit tight and though it will still be very flattering I’ll probably feel self-conscious! I must get a grip on myself. Get some exercise and track properly. Am going back to my Weight Watchers meeting tomorrow night. Will sign back up for a monthly pass and go to the meetings regularly in the hope that it will somehow inspire me to keep going.
Part of me just wants to give in for Xmas and eat what I want. There are so many lunches and evenings where its going to be really hard to be good. So what’s the point????
I don’t know. Maybe you do.
comment added on 3rd Jan – adding the Detox diet label to this post as it details how I was feeling BEFORE starting my detox diet.